Please see updated article.

You Can Learn To Cope With Everyday Stress
 
 
Although the world is full of suffering,
it is also full of the overcoming of it.
—Helen Keller
 
 
Are you having a bad day? Having trouble coping with everyday stress? We all have those days, but when a particularly difficult one comes around, it’s good to look for guidance. First, identify the source of your stress. It can come from your body—your ancestors provided you with the fight or flight response so you wouldn’t become something’s meal. It can come from your environment—your job, your relationships, your politics, etc. Or it can come from your head—you know those thoughts: “My hair is a mess. This is going to be a bad day.”
 
At WomensMedia stress-related problems prompt many of the email requests from our readers. We like to give the following coping strategies to stressed out working women:
 

1. Relaxation
   It’s a physiological fact that one cannot be tense and relaxed at the same time. Being able to substitute a feeling of relaxation and well being for feelings of tenseness increases our effectiveness on the tasks at hand.
2. Breathing
   Proper breathing, which raises the oxygen level in the body, effectively reduces anxiety, fatigue, and depression. Shallow breathing contributes to feelings of tension. Do not force your breathing which can lead to hyperventilation.
3. Refuting illogical, irrational ideas
   Thinking that, because you do not know the answer to a question on a test, will cause you to fail the test, which will lead to failing the course, which will lead to failing out of the world, is illogical and anxiety producing.
4. Assertiveness
   Our interaction with others often leads to undesirable stress. Learning to be more assertive with others helps to reduce that stress.
5. Time management
   How we organize our time can either contribute to, or reduce our stress.
6. Maintain good nutrition
   Proper eating contributes to feelings of well being.
7. Exercise
   Physical activity is a good mechanism for getting rid of tension.
8. Recreational activities
   A good balance between work and play is desirable.
9. Change usual routines
   Doing the same thing day after day causes boredom and tension.

 
 
Tip:  Now, the next question that usually comes up is, “That’s good for everyday stress, but what about when a really difficult situation comes up?”  I like Dr. Melissa Clouthier’s advice for how to be a power player when adversity hits:
 

1. Keep the problem in context. Are you dead? No? It could be worse then.
2. Don’t generalize the problem. For example, a loser’s self-talk goes like this, “Oh you did it again! What a complete screw up. Why do you even try? Life isn’t fair.” You see this line of reasoning? How did you get from a missed putt to life sucks? A pessimist gets there in no time flat.
3. Use positive self-talk. “Okay, that was a mistake. A bad moment. Let’s get it back. More follow-through. Keep it lined up. Better. Better.” When you hear an athlete say, “We just had a bad day or bad break. Everyone has them. We’ll come back tomorrow.” You know that team is okay. How you frame the problem in your mind is very important. Overcomers keep it positive.
4. Forget being realistic. Realists don’t make bunker shots from 30 feet out in the rocks in One. They don’t. Raging optimists do. Every shot is possible. Realism is limited to the current atmosphere. Optimism allows for possibility. Realists hear that there is a “60% chance of dying with this cancer at this stage” and figure that they’re dead. Optimists think about the 40% who overcame. Dying isn’t an option.
5. Hang out with optimists. Don’t miss opportunities. Hang around the dreamers, builders, influencers. Their can-do spirit is infectious.

 
Take the stress quiz. Find out how well you’re handling stress!
 
Further Reading:
 
WomensMedia, by Dianne Schilling, Tips for Beating Stress
 
WomensMedia, by Carrie Silver-Stock, Help! My Job Is Draining Me
 
Coping Strategies, Temple University
 
WomensMedia, by Dianne Schilling, Stress: Emotions and Health
 
Blog, Dr. Melissa Clouthier, Get Over It:  Overcoming Adversity
 
Website, Stress Health Quiz  http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcsite.nsf/pages/quiz_manage_stress?OpenDocument
from the Better Health Channel, Australia
 
Book, Janet Luhrs, The Simple Living Guide: A Sourcebook for Less Stressful, More Joyful Living
 
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Tags: stress, managing, coping, working, women, overcoming, adversity

How To Change “I Speak Like A Girl” to “I Know What I’m Talking About”
 
 
Perhaps you’re that rare woman who proved immune to the nature-nurture pressures to Speak Like A Girl. Chances are you succumbed and now are realizing how much you want to pull yourself up to the I Know What I’m Talking About status. These pressures show up in a variety of communication differences between men and women. Deborah Tannen in You Don’t Understand explains that men use “report talk” to give information that enhances their power while women tend to use “rapport talk” to give information that helps build relationships. Women usually come out ahead in relationship-building communication—and that’s okay. What’s not okay is how we lose out sounding like a leader or an expert. We’re giving away our power in business.
 
Little boys grow up playing together in groups where it’s of the utmost importance to try to work your way up the hierarchy. When it’s a verbal rather than a physical match, they’ll try for the Put Down. If they’re successful, they’ve climbed one rung higher up the ladder. Little girls hear the admonishment, “Everybody get along. Don’t be bossy.” If you follow the rules, you try hard to pull up the girl who’s having a difficult time, and use subtle pressures to ensure that the bossy girl gets pulled down a rung. We’re All Equal Here is the goal. It’s not going to help us to try to place the blame on nature or nurture. We have a problem to solve:  Women are losing out in business. Women are now half of our workforce—46.5% to be exact—and only 16% of upper management. And that’s a huge discrepancy!
 
In future weeks, I’ll talk about other communication techniques that will help us succeed. This week, let’s concentrate on learning how to sound like I Know What I’m Talking About.
 
Tip:  The next time you’re in a meeting and the discussion starts coming around to an area of interest to you, speak up right away. Studies show men talk more—and longer—in meetings than women. That fact alone makes them look more like experts. Assume the floor and forbid yourself from uttering the phrase “I think.” If you were going to say, “I think marketing needs to work more closely with advertising.” change that to “Marketing needs to work more closely with advertising.”
 
Now something is probably going to happen next in the meeting that could throw you off balance. If you expect it, it won’t. What’s going to happen is a man is going to challenge what you said. They do this to each other, but research shows they do this more to women. Have 2 or 3 facts ready to support what you said. Deliver them in bullet-points (for easy digestion), without any anger or defensiveness (meaning I’m not an overly emotional woman), and in a manner that doesn’t cause him to lose face in public (so avoid the “I guess you didn’t read the survey results.” comment). 
 
Making a Difference
Find another woman to be your Expert Buddy. Plan your comments and supporting facts the day before a meeting. Agree to help monitor the “I think” comments. When you become proficient, each of could take on a new buddy. Let’s make the workplace better for everyone.

Visit our website, www.WomensMedia.com, for Expert Advice for Working Women. 

Further Reading:

Podcast (always less than 10 minutes), Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark,  Communicate Without Losing Your Authority —Assertive, Not Aggressive, Works Best For Women  or read it here.
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Be Confident, Cover Your Self-Doubt —Use Confident Language That Says, “I Can Do It!” or listen to it here.
 
Website, WomensMedia,  by Hilary M. Lips, Radford University, Women and Leadership: The Delicate Balancing Act

Podcast,  Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Communicate Without Deferring To Men or read it here.
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Business and Emotions (In Control) Are A Good Mix
 
 
You may also be interested in my ABC News interview “Crying at the Office.” 
 
Nearly every female executive I’ve talked with has admitted to crying at work. Their stories usually follow the same pattern.
 
They tell me, “I burst into tears—early in my career—and was mortified at what I was doing. I had lost complete control of myself. It didn’t matter what other people thought of me as much as what I thought of myself. I have to make sure this NEVER happens again! “ Then each woman then began to develop her own techniques to put into action whenever she felt this might start happening again. And the good news here is that the high-level executives I talked with said they’ve learned to control this behavior.
 
The men observing tearful outbursts were extremely uncomfortable and in a quandary about what an appropriate response is in the workplace. At home, they might hug the woman, but not at work. Some men reacted by staring at their paperwork and some tried patting the woman on the back. In a few instances, men said they wondered if they were being manipulated.
 
A woman observing an outburst does not approve of it either. She thinks the other woman should have more control.
 
I know how much women want to learn techniques they can put into action whenever this might happen. I know because they emailed WomensMedia in huge numbers when we asked if they wanted information on “Crying at the Office.” We then asked a psychotherapist (Linda Poverny) and an executive coach (Susan Picascia) to work together to write an article for WomensMedia. They advised women to take these 7 steps:
 
1. Anticipate emotionally charged situations and prepare your responses.
 
2. Increase your self-awareness. Try to figure out if you’re crying because you’re actually angry. If that’s the case, take a deep breath and focus on solving the problem that’s making you angry. Re-focusing on the problem will help you calm down.
 
3. Women often cry when they feel overwhelmed with work or if their efforts go unrecognized. The advice here to seek out a mentor or a coach to help you. Learn to cultivate a sense of optimism—to realize things generally work out.
 
4. Compartmentalize — If you frequently cry at the office, your personal life may be intruding on your business life. Create a boundary between the two. And seek support to help you in your personal life.
 
5. Women are sensitive to personal criticism. Even though this hurts, learn to retrain yourself. You might try focusing on your breathing and using relaxation techniques to slow down your reactions and to gain control.
 
6. Another technique is to focus on Content instead of the Criticism. For example, talk about how you can get the reports in more quickly rather than on the remark, “You’re too slow.”
 
7. And if you must, excuse yourself from the room.
 
 
Now, the business world is quickly retiring the old adage:  “Emotions don’t belong in business.”  Tony Schwartz of FastCompany reports that a variety of businesses are exploring the role of emotions in business. “This renewed interest in self-awareness is, in part, the result of the rising corporate power of baby boomers. The increasing presence of women in the workplace and the higher comfort level they bring to the territory of emotions have also nudged companies in this direction. And the arrival of the new economy has made companies realize that what they need from their workers goes beyond hands, bodies, and eight-hour days.”
 
When we think of emotions, empathy certainly comes to mind. It’s the understanding of the inner state of others. Virginia Satir described a model of this inner state as the Personal Iceberg. In this model, inner state is a hierarchy of copings, feelings, perceptions, expectations, yearnings and ultimately the Self. She called it an “iceberg” because so much of it is out of view. Empathy is appreciating all of these elements in others.
 
In business, empathy helps you evaluate how something you are about to say or do will affect those you are working with. It’s important in leadership—it’s important with customers.
 
Okay, okay, so emotions are the new face of business. A few tears, now and then, are on their way to acceptable business behavior. This is good for women because our chemicals (especially the hormone prolactin) prompt us to cry four times as often as men.  What is not good is the feeling of being out of control.
 
Let me make  it clear that it’s not healthy to suppress your emotions for long. When you leave work, analyze how you felt, what made you feel that way, and talk it over with your family and your friends.
 
Now’s here’s the Tip of the Week.
 
Tip: 
 
When you feel as if you may begin sobbing, it’s important to not let your eyes look downward. Looking downward brings on the tears more quickly.
 
Try to think about something else—baseball or golf comes to mind!
 
Delay the situation that’s causing your discomfort. Say something like, ”Excuse me. I’d like to continue this conversation tomorrow.”  Leave the room immediately—put on your sunglasses—and take a walk outside. Don’t go to the women’s restroom where someone might see you break down.
 
Now, you’ve got the tips to rely on—stop worrying about out of control emotions—and start relying on your talent for using those incontrol emotions which business now appreciates!

Visit our website, www.WomensMedia.com, for Expert Advice for Working Women. 

Further Reading:
Podcast (always less than 10 minutes), Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Is It OK If Big Girls Cry In The Office?
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Why A Female Brain Is Now OK —The Timing Is Right To Admit It
 
Podcast (always less than 10 minutes), Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Gender Communication: Nature Or Nurture?  —Why Do We Have Mars-Venus Communication, And Why Is Mars More Powerful?
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Linda Poverny and Susan Picascia, There’s No Crying In Business
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