Is Competition Unfeminine?   

In A Mind of Her Own, the academic psychologist, Anne Campbell, discusses evolutionary reasons that explain how each sex competes. She states that—evolutionary-wise—men compete with each other for the opportunity to select a healthy, fertile mate who will produce offspring and stick around and not fool around. Women, on the other hand, must appear healthy and fertile and must be especially careful to preserve a good sexual reputation.   

She states that women must use low-risk and indirect forms of aggression in order to ensure their own and their offspring’s survival. Ah, she’s saying women don’t want to get into fistfights. I can buy that. She suggests fear of injury has evolved as an emotional trigger to provide restraint from direct forms of aggression. This explains why women, in general, are more risk adverse. Women’s aggression is also reduced by the neurotransmitter serotonin. There is a sex difference favoring women in the availability and uptake of this transmitter. So, it’s sounding like there are evolutionary reasons for indirect aggression. We see some of this in the workplace, but I’ll talk about catfighting another time.

There are evolutionary reasons for how women handle competition, but right now I want to talk about cultural reasons. Research shows that women tend to shy away from competition when men are included. Does that mean women are not as competitive as men? No, it doesn’t. It means we’re letting the stereotype, It’s Not Feminine To Be Competitive, influence our behavior. In elementary schools we see this behavior taking hold at about age 10. One of the reasons some people favor same sex schools is that girls perform differently when boys are not present. I’m not in favor of segregating education, but I certainly don’t like this sad situation.

I’m all for getting girls into sports where they can learn to handle competition as well as the boys. And no, I’m not talking about cheerleading the boys who are actually playing a sport! I know I’ll hear from some people about how cheerleading is a real sport—actually, I already heard that yesterday. My argument was that these girls could be competing in gymnastics instead of reinforcing the stereotype that women defer to men. We have enough of that elsewhere. 

Well, what did we learn today? We learned that women are competitive, but it’s expressed differently from men. We learned that women are not as aggressive as men—not a surprise. And we learned that women take fewer risks than men. How can we use this information to help us in the workplace? Here’s the tip.   

Tip: 

Most of us are not taking care of children in the workplace, so we don’t need to automatically dampen our risk-taking. As you begin to shy away from a possible risk at work, such as a new product or a new management tool, remind yourself to take a few minutes to consider the pros and cons to this move. If you increase your risk threshold, what would your decision be? Take a few more chances. It might be good for business.   

Further Reading: 

Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, The Stereotype Myth —Power or No Power Creates Stereotypes, Not Nature   

Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, Stereotyping Hurts Women In Business —Those Little Put-Downs Add Up 

Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Nature vs Nurture —Men and Women: Different But Equal    

Website, WomensMedia, a Mini-Coaching Lesson by Jenn Givler, Identifying and Overcoming Your Blocks  ________________________________________________________________    

Tags: competition, working, business, women, gender, differences, stereotypes

Get Rid Of The “Shoulds” And Say “No” Without Guilt!
 
 
Women, we have a problem. We want everyone to like us. Each of us wants to be the perfect employee, the perfect woman, the perfect mother. The sooner we realize this is impossible, the sooner we can be on our way to shedding guilt and easing up the time trap that’s seized us. First up, we have to start saying “No.”
 
Let’s just deal with the workplace. Later you can take these steps from the workplace and use them in the rest of your life. First off, look around you at work. Are there certain women that seem to get extra tasks dumped on their desks? Are you one of them? Ouch! Make the decision right now that you’re changing this scenario.
 
Stop, look, listen, and go are the steps outlined by Colette Carlson on WomensMedia.
 
Stop giving an immediate “yes” to these requests. That may be part of your problem. Try saying, “I’ll get right back to you. I have to look at a few things.”
 
Look at the things you’ve already committed to doing. What are your priorities—what things matter most to you? Write them down. These are your goals. Is there an area that you’ve been neglecting? If this extra task does not fit into your priorities, say “no” and plan on using the extra time for your neglected area. Wouldn’t that make you feel better about yourself? As they say on TV, “You deserve it!”
 
Listen to your feelings. Are you feeling excited or burdened? Acknowledge how you feel and sift through the reasons. Is this one of the yucky I-Should-Do-It tasks? Don’t you have way too many of those? Go back to your list of goals and add one more item at the end:  I will reduce the number of Shoulds I take on each week. Now there’s a goal that will immediately ease up your time constraints. And it’ll reduce your guilt, because, hey, you’re meeting your goals. Who can feel guilty about that? 
 
Go with integrity.  After you’ve listened to your feelings and analyzed your priorities, what are you going to say? You’re going to give a simple answer without elaboration. Try blaming it on time, “Time won’t allow that.” Or, “I’ve looked over my commitments and I don’t have the time.”  The trick is not to go on after that. When we begin to elaborate, we give the other person a chance to create some wiggle room. I know it’s uncomfortable, but go for the dead silence after your “No I can’t do it.”  Excuse yourself because, of course, you have to run off to take care of one of those prior commitments.
 
2 Tips:
 
1.  Avoid giving wishy-washy answers. Saying, “I’ll try to be there.” when you really should be saying “No” is not doing anyone a favor. At the time, you’re probably thinking it’s an easy out, but it’s hurting your reputation as a reliable person.
 
2.  If there’s someone who has asked you more than once to do something you don’t really want to do, you need to put a stop to his or her efforts. Do this by telling the truth, “I don’t enjoy doing that.” When you think about it, who can argue about that?
 
 
Further Reading:
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Why Do We Have Mars-Venus Communication, and Why Is Mars More Powerful?
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, How To Get A Handle On Time —Don’t Let Time Ruin Your Work-Life Balance
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Colette Carlson, A Four-Step Formula for Saying “No!”
 
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Tags: say, No, , time, working, women, communication

How To Improve Your Interviewing Skills
 
 
Whenever I speak to large audiences, I’m always amazed at the surprised reaction I get when I say you should be looking around for a new position without waiting for a year to pass. Men jump around from company to company more than women do. This is one reason for the size of the gender wage gap. For other reasons see The Gender Pay Gap, or listen to Women Still Make Less Money: Here’s How To Make Sure It Doesn’t Happen To You!
 
Women tend to value loyalty—sometimes no matter what. And I’ll tell you what: Companies love loyalty—it saves them money on rehiring, training, or even just funding promotions. If you’re happy with your current company, you should be aiming for your next jump within it. What direction do you want to take? If you’re not happy where you are, pretend that your company could be out of business within six months. Now that’s a sobering incentive. You don’t have to take the new job, but wouldn’t it feel good to have that choice?
 
Here are the steps for handling an interview.
 

1. Do your research ahead of time. You’d be surprised what you can glean from an Internet search. Try to ascertain one of the concerns of your interviewer (sales, productivity, management, etc.) and make yourself part of the solution. Find one or two things you could be excited about.
2. Setup several questions to ask. Now when I say this, I want you to show off what you know while you’re finding out if this company is what you’re looking for.
3. Practice these questions if front of a mirror. Are there any gestures you can add to show confidence and enthusiasm? Steepling the fingers together, as so many politicians do on TV, is a show of confidence. Sitting forward and moving your arms out from your body (taking up more space) are also good tips.
4. Smile now and then. Men don’t have to, but those old stereotypes are still in play that are constantly on the lookout for She’s Not Nice. But don’t smile too much or you look subservient, you know, She’s A Pushover. 
5. If you’ll be interviewed by a man, be ready to interject some numbers into your conversation, and tone down the emotions.
6. Have a couple of lead-ins like these ready to use:

My experience and leadership skills have prepared me to . . .
My education and talent for X will make it possible for me to . . .
My expertise with X will benefit the company in several ways . . .
 
Remember this is a conversation, so feel free to direct it to your strong points. And try to enjoy the process!
 
 
Tip:
Are there any unpleasant questions you’re dreading answering? Have pat answers prepared. Don’t get upset or complain about previous bosses or companies. They’ll visualize you complaining about their company. Instead, talk about deciding to go in a different direction—a positive for your career.
 
 
Further Reading:
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, See Why The Time Is Right For Women In Business —You Can Benefit!
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, Powerful Communication For Women —How To Change “I Speak Like A Girl” to “I Know What I’m Talking About”
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Adena Berkman and Adelaide Fives, Setting Yourself Up for Success in the Interview Process
 
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Power or No Power Creates Stereotypes, Not Nature
 
 
Sometimes we hang onto stereotypes and they act like anchors, sinking us in the workplace. For instance: Women are nurturing (men are not?) and men are competitive (women are not?). In the Nature vs. Nurture debate I acknowledge there are some traits you’re born with, but what’s more important is what happens after that. My take on it is that the difference between who has power and who does not is what’s forming our stereotypes—not nature.
 
Empathy is frequently attributed to females. Did you know that in various cultures, empathy is often exhibited by those with less power? I call this the Don’t Hurt Me, I Care About You syndrome. It makes sense.
 
The natural division of labor stereotype—men hunt and women stay home with children—has recently been challenged. Archeologists have found skeletons that show women, as well as men, went on long hunting treks.
 
What about this one: Women are better at relationships? I do believe there’s a bit of nature there. On the other hand, only recently has it become OK—somewhat OK—for women to enter the public arena. Personal relationships and caring for the home had been the only acceptable duties for women. This limited domain was definitely a No Power situation. And this No Power situation has formed the stereotypes we live with today. In the future, I believe men will take a more active role in the house and family. We see young fathers heading in this direction—the direction where No Power will shift to Equal Power—and where women will bring in equal paychecks.
 
We see communication differences between men and women—women tend to be indirect, apologize, hesitate, and defer to others. I say the majority of these differences are due to growing up with a vision of women having No Power.
 
OK here’s the problem we’re faced with:  Little girls grow up trying to fit into the stereotypes society expects them to accept, but these models are out of date for the working woman. What can you personally do? You can volunteer to speak to classrooms of children. Talk about your job and your industry. Make sure it’s interesting to both the boys and the girls. Your information is important, but your presence as a role model for girls is even more important!
 
 
Tip: 
 
Here’s what you do the next time you hear someone spouting stereotypes as if they’re reasonable. Let’s say a person says something along the lines of, “Well women are secretaries and men run the show.”  Don’t let it go untouched by reason. Handle it with humor, “Wow, that’s not the least bit sexist!” Make sure your voice tone is light and not angry.  Another example, if someone says, “She’s too pushy for a woman.” You can reply, “Oh, you mean she’s almost as competitive as Jim?”
 
 
Further Reading:
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Nature vs. Nurture —Men and Women: Different But Equal
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, Stereotpying Hurts Women In Business —Those Little Put-Downs Add Up
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Catalyst, Workplace Diversity —How to Tackle Resistance
 
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