How To Resolve Conflict Without Catfighting   

Every single inch of ground that a woman stands upon today has been gained by the hard work of some little handful of women of the past. 

—Susan B. Anthony   

Catfighting is not something women are proud of. I talk about it in my blog and podcast, What’s With This Catfighting?. In the business world, competition is good and so is the inevitable conflict. What we need to learn to do better is to resolve the conflicts—not avoid them! I’m sure it’s obvious to you that competition and conflict do not sit well with the outdated Good Girl stereotypes we were spoon fed. Toss them out. Don’t teach them to your daughters. We’ll all be better off. Instead, let’s work harder to foster cooperation among women. 

The way we present a business problem to another woman can set the stage for a pre-catfight defensive, “It’s not my fault. You’re always picking on me!” or a cooperative response. Not all women jump to the defensive, but if you assume it’s possible, you can set the stage to avoid catfighting by gaining cooperation. Pat Heim and Susan Murphy, authors of In The Company Of Women, outline the components needed for cooperation:        

• Respecting the opposition
• Valuing the relationship with those of the opposing viewpoint
• Recognizing that you need the opposition to implement the desired outcome
• Supporting your opponent’s self-esteem and sense of power
• Supporting your own self-esteem and sense of power 
     

Get used to employing each of these components—in such a way that the other party recognizes and appreciates your efforts. Your cooperation will be easier to attain. 

Now, about that messy conflict thing you’d like to avoid. How should you try to manage it? Well, to manage conflict you should have rapport with the other woman—you should be able to discuss your feelings with her. Think of your relationship with a good friend. You know you can tell her how you feel and even if she doesn’t agree with you, she’ll try to see your point of view. This is what you should try to achieve with a co-worker. Tell her you don’t want to want to dismiss either point of view, you merely want to understand both and look for a way to resolve any conflict.   

The next thing you need to do is to make sure you’re not acting in a defensive manner. Monitor your thoughts, words, and especially your body language. Relax and release all defensiveness. If you don’t, the other party senses it and the barriers go up. Then, you don’t have a chance at cooperation and conflict resolution. 

Let the other person have her chance to talk. Use active listening techniques, such as, “So I can see you’re saying I asked for the data before the deadline and embarrassed you.” Legitimize her feelings with, “I understand how that made you feel. I’m sorry to have put you in that situation.”   

Here’s the tip for the week.   

Tip:  If you see a potential problem coming up, talk to the other woman privately saying something on the order of, “Susan, I value your knowledge of X and I’d like you and I to work together to come up with a solution to the financial increases. When would be a good time to get together?” If for some reason she’s defensive, “It’s not my fault!” you can say, “It’s a business problem, not a personal problem. I’m sure together we can come up with something. We’re both smart. Shall we give it a try?”   

Further Reading:   

Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, What’s With This Catfighting? —Learn To Handle Indirect Aggression At Work 

Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, What’s With This Catfighting? —Learn To Handle Indirect Aggression At Work 

Website, WomensMedia, by Colette Carlson, Do You Communicate Clearly And Directly —Or Are You Passive-Digressive?   Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Are Women As Competitive As Men? —Is Competition Unfeminine? 

________________________________________________________________  

Tags: catfighting, business, women, conflict, resolution

Women Have A Head Start With Win-Win Negotiation
 
 
Most men are on the lookout for any opportunity to negotiate. It’s a game to them—and it should be for women too, because . . . you get more of the stuff you like. Erase the image from your mind that a negotiation is something that only happens when you sit down to draw up a contract or ask for a raise. It happens much more often than that! You might be interested in moving your office or desk, having your boss give one of your tedious tasks to someone else, or having someone other than you take the minutes at those meetings. You have a chance to gain whatever you want, but it takes negotiation. Super negotiators are not born that way. They learn how to negotiate. And so can you.
 
In their book, The Shadow Negotiation, Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams state that we women “let opportunities to negotiate slip by us unclaimed or unnoticed. Cramped by circumstance, with no magic up our sleeve, we don’t consider negotiation a possibility. We just make do and move on, not realizing that we might have bargained. Often, from lack of training or experience, we fail to recognize that we are in the midst of a negotiation until it is too late to change the outcome.”
 
There’s Good News and Bad News for women and negotiation. The Bad News is that most of us have been conditioned to “make sure everyone gets along.”  So, we try to avoid conflict. If this is a pattern that you’ve been following, I’m sure you’ve lost out on a lot of things. You need to realize that negotiation does not have to be a win-lose conflict. It can often be a plus for both sides—a win-win situation. While you’re still in your Conflict Avoidance Stance, you don’t look strong at the table. And when you don’t look strong, other people will jump at the chance to undermine your credibility and even your right to have a position in the discussion. In my tip today, I’ll address this issue. You’ll also be helped by taking a few minutes to play my podcast, Powerful Body Language —Women, Change Your Body Language, Change Your Message.
 
The Good News for women is that we tend to be good at building relationships. And guess what? Your skills of connection are valuable for discovering the other party’s hidden agenda. In any negotiation there are two things going on at the same time. There’s the substance of the problem you’re trying to solve. And there’s a big something under all that—there’s the shadowy interpersonal communication that takes place concerning how each party wants to handle the negotiation and what the talk and gestures convey about relationships and expectations. You know how solving a problem within a family is not just about the logical variables. Yep, you know about that.
 
I want you to become an expert at drawing out the shadow negotiation. State the problem and how it affects you. Show the other people involved that you value them and their ideas. Your goal is to have both parties look at the situation from different perspectives and work together to come up with a creative solution. As the discussion gets underway, look for the underlying feelings and bring them to the surface. Talk about them. They’re important if you want to solve the problem. It may be that one person feels his or her opinions don’t get enough attention. You need to let others know that these feelings are important to you. It’s possible for those involved to come away from the table with better relationships. And with better relationships, problems are solved faster..
 
Here’s the tip.
 
Tip:
At the beginning of a negotiation, establish your I-Belong-At-This-Table position by stating your interests. This must be done in a firm, but not hostile, manner. You have a right to advocate for your interests. Silently repeat this mantra: I will not become defensive! There is no reason to become defensive—you have a right to work for your interests. State the current situation, how it affects you, and how it affects the company. Doing this will help you appear strong and with every right to have a place at the table—the negotiation table.
 
 
 
Further Reading:
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Powerful Body Language —Women, Change Your Body Language, Change Your Message
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, More Money? Do You Want To Ask For A Raise? —How To Ask For A Raise Even Though It’s Not The Perfect Time (It never is!)
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams, Listening to Women: New Perspectives on Negotiation —Women Have Powerful Insights In Negotiation
________________________________________________________________

Tags: negotiation, working, business, women, win-win,

Catfighting:  Learn To Handle Indirect Aggression At Work
 
Everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.
                                                                                           —Ani DiFranco
 
 
Disclaimer:  Women are great workers. We’re great managers. We’re great friends. Hire us and you won’t be sorry, but there’s a tiny dark side that we’re working on.
 
As much as we’d like to profess, “No, there’s no such thing as catfighting at work. Women want to see other women succeed. How dare you suggest such a thing!”  we know deep down it certainly does exist . . . and to be honest, we probably know—from experience—how it feels to be on either end of an encounter! I’ll go first, “Yes, I know how it happens and how it feels on both sides!”  None of us are proud of this type of behavior. The purpose of indirect aggression is to avoid physical aggression—where we could get hurt. It’s also so we can do it surreptitiously and deny that we had anything to do with that kind of low behavior. I talk more about female competition in Are Women As Competitive As Men? —Do Women Avoid Competition?
 
In Catfight, author Leora Tanenbaum states that women resort to pettiness and backstabbing when they compete with other women, but not with men. Despite feminist gains, she says women are conditioned to treat each other as adversaries—most of the time. This “most of the time” is what interests me. There are good times. She gave two major examples when women banded together to help each other:  The women’s suffrage movement and the battle for Title IX for women’s sports equality. Of course, there are lots of daily examples. This is what I want to see amplified. I’m sure all of you do. So, let’s keep an eye on the positive! There is a positive side to women working with women. Let’s figure how to expand it. And when we can’t, let’s figure out how we can stop the culprit in her tracks.
 
In their book, In the Company of Women, Pat Heim and Susan Murphy claim that a woman’s overall happiness is controlled by balancing three elements, The Golden Triangle:  power, relationships, and self-esteem. Changes in any one of these areas can upset our sense of well-being and we may seek to put things back into balance. It’s not usual for us to pick up a club and try to set things back into order. Unfortunately, it’s also not usual for us to openly discuss our loss of self-esteem or balance with those who are causing it. We’ve been conditioned to use indirect methods. Let’s look at the most common methods of indirect aggression.
 

1. Gossip —Not the good kind, but the destructive type.
2. Spreading Rumors and Divulging Secrets —Just think about the damage that can be done when you tell a good friend a few personal secrets, then you’re promoted over her and she’s resentful. Makes you sweat, doesn’t it?
3. Publicly Making Insinuating or Insulting Comments —Often these are vague comments that are easy to say were misinterpreted. Much like the celebrity who says his use of a disparaging adjective was misinterpreted.
4. Undermining and Sabotage —How about if someone frequently forgets to include you in the company email list and loses your phone call messages? I’d bet you call that sabotage.
5. Purposefully Snubbing and Withdrawing Friendship —Remember your childhood friend saying, “I won’t be your friend anymore!”? In the office this usually equates to curt answers and the occasional well-timed glare.

 
How widespread is this catfight problem? A recent study by the American Management Association found that 95% of the women felt other women had undermined them at some time in their career. Wow! Catfighting is widespread. I wonder why it hasn’t been discussed until recently. No, I know the answer:
 

• It’s embarrassing.
• It’s politically incorrect to discuss it—at least it was.
• Women are trying to catch up with men in the workplace; we don’t need to talk about this!

 
Men are interested in catfighting too. Not what you think. I mean they’re interested in it when a group they’re managing gets bogged down in some mysterious dealings they can’t quite figure out. The ubiquitous, “I’m not getting involved. You women can find a solution.” doesn’t always solve the problem. My advice to a male (or female) manager is to quickly call all the involved women into his office. Then tell them each of them she has 3-5 minutes to present her case. At the end of the expose, ask them if they have a solution. If not, you devise a solution on the spot and tell them you don’t want employees in your department who continue to create disharmony.
 
Now, if you’re a female employee who’s having a problem with the subtle sabotage of another woman—of either your reputation or your productivity—you’ll of course want to avoid letting things escalate until your boss needs to intercede. What should you do? Here’s the tip of the week.
 
 
Tip:
 
Privately meet with the saboteur in her area. Tell her how her actions caused a problem for you and the company. Ask her for her input for solving problems like this. You will probably not get input from her and you’ll most likely get a denial. But at least she knows you suspect her actions are intentional. This private meeting will most likely need to be repeated a few times. Meanwhile, consider The Golden Triangle. Does she need reassurance or building up of power, relationships, or self-esteem. Can you assist? Give it your best shot but if it doesn’t work, go to your boss. Instead of tattling, which makes you look bad, ask for your boss’ advice on how to stop such behavior. Express that you’re concerned because it’s decreasing the productivity of the company.
 
 
Further Reading:
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Are Women As Competitive As Men? —Do Women Avoid Competition
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Queen Bee: Is A Woman Holding You Back? —Study Shows Women Are Harming Women!
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Sam Horn, What to Say in Difficult Situations
________________________________________________________________

Tags: catfight, working, business, women, gossip