What’s With This Catfighting?
Catfighting: Learn To Handle Indirect Aggression At Work
Everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.
—Ani DiFranco
Disclaimer: Women are great workers. We’re great managers. We’re great friends. Hire us and you won’t be sorry, but there’s a tiny dark side that we’re working on.
As much as we’d like to profess, “No, there’s no such thing as catfighting at work. Women want to see other women succeed. How dare you suggest such a thing!” we know deep down it certainly does exist . . . and to be honest, we probably know—from experience—how it feels to be on either end of an encounter! I’ll go first, “Yes, I know how it happens and how it feels on both sides!” None of us are proud of this type of behavior. The purpose of indirect aggression is to avoid physical aggression—where we could get hurt. It’s also so we can do it surreptitiously and deny that we had anything to do with that kind of low behavior. I talk more about female competition in Are Women As Competitive As Men? —Do Women Avoid Competition?
In Catfight, author Leora Tanenbaum states that women resort to pettiness and backstabbing when they compete with other women, but not with men. Despite feminist gains, she says women are conditioned to treat each other as adversaries—most of the time. This “most of the time” is what interests me. There are good times. She gave two major examples when women banded together to help each other: The women’s suffrage movement and the battle for Title IX for women’s sports equality. Of course, there are lots of daily examples. This is what I want to see amplified. I’m sure all of you do. So, let’s keep an eye on the positive! There is a positive side to women working with women. Let’s figure how to expand it. And when we can’t, let’s figure out how we can stop the culprit in her tracks.
In their book, In the Company of Women, Pat Heim and Susan Murphy claim that a woman’s overall happiness is controlled by balancing three elements, The Golden Triangle: power, relationships, and self-esteem. Changes in any one of these areas can upset our sense of well-being and we may seek to put things back into balance. It’s not usual for us to pick up a club and try to set things back into order. Unfortunately, it’s also not usual for us to openly discuss our loss of self-esteem or balance with those who are causing it. We’ve been conditioned to use indirect methods. Let’s look at the most common methods of indirect aggression.
- Gossip —Not the good kind, but the destructive type.
- Spreading Rumors and Divulging Secrets —Just think about the damage that can be done when you tell a good friend a few personal secrets, then you’re promoted over her and she’s resentful. Makes you sweat, doesn’t it?
- Publicly Making Insinuating or Insulting Comments —Often these are vague comments that are easy to say were misinterpreted. Much like the celebrity who says his use of a disparaging adjective was misinterpreted.
- Undermining and Sabotage —How about if someone frequently forgets to include you in the company email list and loses your phone call messages? I’d bet you call that sabotage.
- Purposefully Snubbing and Withdrawing Friendship —Remember your childhood friend saying, “I won’t be your friend anymore!”? In the office this usually equates to curt answers and the occasional well-timed glare.
How widespread is this catfight problem? A recent study by the American Management Association found that 95% of the women felt other women had undermined them at some time in their career. Wow! Catfighting is widespread. I wonder why it hasn’t been discussed until recently. No, I know the answer:
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It’s embarrassing.
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It’s politically incorrect to discuss it—at least it was.
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Women are trying to catch up with men in the workplace; we don’t need to talk about this!
Men are interested in catfighting too. Not what you think. I mean they’re interested in it when a group they’re managing gets bogged down in some mysterious dealings they can’t quite figure out. The ubiquitous, “I’m not getting involved. You women can find a solution.” doesn’t always solve the problem. My advice to a male (or female) manager is to quickly call all the involved women into his office. Then tell them each of them she has 3-5 minutes to present her case. At the end of the expose, ask them if they have a solution. If not, you devise a solution on the spot and tell them you don’t want employees in your department who continue to create disharmony.
Now, if you’re a female employee who’s having a problem with the subtle sabotage of another woman—of either your reputation or your productivity—you’ll of course want to avoid letting things escalate until your boss needs to intercede. What should you do? Here’s the tip of the week.
Tip:
Privately meet with the saboteur in her area. Tell her how her actions caused a problem for you and the company. Ask her for her input for solving problems like this. You will probably not get input from her and you’ll most likely get a denial. But at least she knows you suspect her actions are intentional. This private meeting will most likely need to be repeated a few times. Meanwhile, consider The Golden Triangle. Does she need reassurance or building up of power, relationships, or self-esteem. Can you assist? Give it your best shot but if it doesn’t work, go to your boss. Instead of tattling, which makes you look bad, ask for your boss’ advice on how to stop such behavior. Express that you’re concerned because it’s decreasing the productivity of the company.
Further Reading:
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Are Women As Competitive As Men? —Do Women Avoid Competition
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Queen Bee: Is A Woman Holding You Back? —Study Shows Women Are Harming Women!
Website, WomensMedia, by Sam Horn, What to Say in Difficult Situations
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