Why Did He Take That The Wrong Way?
 
 
A friend of mine owns a large mergers and acquisitions firm that buys and sells companies. She was on her way from Los Angeles to New York for a business meeting when her plane was delayed. While she was waiting in an airport bar, a man approached her. “Hello, would you like a little company?” he asked. “Sure” she said. “Do you have one for sale?” She was thinking business, he was thinking female.
 
—Judy Rosener
 
 
In my blog posting, Gender Communication: Nature Or Nurture? I talk about how societal pressures form quite a bit of our gender communication differences. Besides that “quite a bit” is what most mothers have observed: Little boys want to play with other little boys and they want to play differently from girls. This sets up the change in how boys and girls talk at an early age—and they diverge further from that point.
 
The linguist Deborah Tannen discusses the differences as being from 2 separate cultures. John Gray labels the cultures Mars and Venus, as you’ve probably heard. Our language is so close to us, it’s tough to see how profoundly it influences our actions. We operate through a female-talk filter. I love the French culture, and enjoy seeing how they use a different lens: We seem overly friendly and intrusive; they seem distant and uninterested. If you understand what they’re used to, you know what to expect and how to act. We need to do the same thing when we’re working with men. If you’re surprised you aren’t getting the reaction you were expecting, stop and think about how it could have been perceived through the male lens. For instance, if you’ve been having a rough time lately and comment on this to a male coworker, you should not be surprised that he feels put on the spot to find the source of the blame. “It’s not my fault!” automatically runs through his head. “You shouldn’t have taken on that large of a project!” might come next. If you anticipate that he’ll hear this soundtrack, you can avoid it by saying, “I’m not sorry I took on this large project, but it certainly has worn me out. I’m sure you can imagine how I feel.”
 
On the other side of the coin, when a man complains about a mistake he made, you may make an attempt to make him feel better by telling of something worse that happened to you. Guess what he might think? He might think he was 1-down (it’s a competition game) when he told you about his mistake and now you’ve lowered him to 2-down by equating him with your mistake. 1-up is a guy’s preferred state and this starts when little boys play together—you know, taller-than-you, stronger-than you, louder-than-you! You meant to lessen his anguish, but he didn’t see it that way. When we’re talking with women, we’re used to bringing up our own problems. It shows that We’re-All-Equal-Here. We can’t make men operate through a female lens, but we can learn how they perceive things. We’re smart. We can do that.
 
Here’s the tip of the week.
 
Tip:
 
The next time you’re around a man who is anguishing over a mistake he made, use your knowledge of the male viewpoint. What would he want to hear? Not one of your mistakes. Point out a related strong point he has. Focus on one of his successes. Is this being manipulative? Nah, it’s just good behavior by using the gender version of the Golden Rule:  Treat others as they would like to be treated.
 
 
Now, get out there and use my version of the Golden Rule!
 
Further Reading:
 
Podcast (always less than 10 minutes), Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Gender Communication: Nature Or Nurture?  —Why Do We Have Mars-Venus Communication, And Why Is Mars More Powerful?
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Gender Communication: Nature Or Nurture? —Why Do We Have Mars-Venus Communication? And Why Is Mars More Powerful?
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Why A Female Brain Is Now OK —The Timing Is Right To Admit It
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Victoria Simon and Holly Pedersen, Fearless Communication
—Our At-Home Style Is Not Successful In Business
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Bonita Banducci,  Equality and Equity— Equal and Different

 
Book, by Deborah Tannen, Talking from 9 to 5 : Women and Men at Work
 
 
Podcast (always less than 10 minutes), Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Nature vs. Nurture
—Men and Women: Different But Equal
________________________________________________________________

Tags: communication, gender, differences, business, women

Creating Boundaries At Work For Others To Follow
 
 
 
In my blog posting, Work-Life Balance —Creating Boundaries For You To Follow, I talked about the priorities you have in your career and your personal life and the boundaries that you will follow. Today I’ll discuss the boundaries you can put in place for your fellow workers to follow.
 
Take an hour this week to look over last week’s work calendar. Make a typical monthly schedule based on the things that will most likely occur. Estimate the time that is necessary to handle email, phone calls, meetings, employee sessions, client sessions, reports, research, etc. Just as with your personal life, decide which ones are taking up more time than they deserve. In other words, which ones are not giving you much return in your career? Focus on how you can reduce the amount of time you’ll give away to these tasks.
 
Now let’s go over specific tasks. Email—it can be a time drain. What if you decided to check your email twice a day—would the world really fall apart? Pick a couple times that would be best for you and then tell your coworkers and clients. For instance, you could tell them you’ll check your email first thing in the morning and then again at 2 pm. This way you’ll have time after the 2 pm reading to act on any urgent messages without working into your Other Life time. Pick one or two times that will be best for phone calls. Let others know. You may want to separate who calls you during each time period.
 
Then decide if there’s a particular time of day that’s best for sessions with coworkers and clients. If you can do this, you can eliminate some of those unnecessary visits that resolve themselves. Depending on your office setup, you want may want to institute the Door Closed – Door Open signal for when you can be interrupted. Unexpected interruptions can be handled by saying, “I’d like to give you enough time to handle this well. How much time do you think we need to discuss this?”  You then have the option of taking the time now or scheduling exactly that amount of time soon.
 
People appreciate knowing how long it will take to hear back from you on questions. Set a length of time. You may be able to tell them you’ll respond within 24 hours whenever possible.
 
For many of you, meetings eat up more time than they should. That’s why I’m giving you a tip this week for meetings.
 
And here’s the tip.
 
Tip:
 
Meetings can run longer than necessary depending on who’s conducting them. Which people in your organization run those Too Long Meetings? I bet a few names pop up. The next time you walk into one of those, perhaps at 1 pm, plan on what you’ll say so everyone can hear. For example, “Jim, I have a 2:30 conference call. Will that be a problem?” Or, you don’t even have to give a reason. You can merely say, “Jim, do you think you’ll need more than an hour?” When you’re in charge of meeting, set a good example for others to follow: Write an agenda with a time allotment to each topic. Stick to your timetable. When an important topic looks like it might run over, you can say, “This needs to be resolved. If we need more than the 10 minutes left, we should schedule another time to finish it.”
 
You can have a career and a life. Now, go out there and set your boundaries and set a good example for others to follow!
 
 
 
Further Reading:
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Work-Life Balance —Creating Boundaries For You To Follow
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Work-Life Balance —Creating Boundaries For You To Follow
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Time Management By Delegation —Get A Handle On Time By Delegating
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Debra Pestrak, How to Balance Your Career and Your Family —So Both are Rewarding and Enjoyable
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Gender Stereotypes Hold Women Back —Those Little Put-Downs Really Do Add Up!
________________________________________________________________

Tags: work-life, balance, boundaries, business, women

How To Promote Yourself Without Bragging
 
 
It’s not bragging if you can back it up.
—Muhammad Ali
 
Ali can get away with bragging but we women can’t. We must walk a fine line between informative self-promotion and outright bragging. Most of us have been raised on the little girl admonitions, “It’s not nice to brag!” and “Who does she think she is?”  As long as these sayings are still playing in your mental background, you’ll feel uncomfortable when you know you’re bragging. And when you’re uncomfortable, other people focus on your discomfort. You don’t want that! The secret I can tell you is how to promote yourself just short of bragging. And that’s something you probably do want.
 
You need to self-promote—even if you’re not interviewing for a job. As you meet people they’re going to form split-second impressions of you. If you’re a woman, that may tend toward the sister, wife, mother, girlfriend, low-level employee, or helper images. Remember this and craft something in the beginning of a conversation that sets them in the right direction. I’ll tell you 2 simple ways to craft it in the tips of the week.
 
Meanwhile, for the guys who tell me they read this blog, women are not impressed the same way men are. For instance, men are often impressed when another man mentions his car by brand. Or, as I saw, a man left his Ferrari keys on the table during an entire dinner. For women, this type of display is too blatant. We don’t feel we should do it; we won’t allow other women to easily do it; and we see through it when men do it. You know, maybe we should ease up. Or not. On the other hand, women, if you’re talking only to men, you can take it up a notch without worry. Mention the private jet business trip you took, even if it was ages ago, and watch the men’s heads swivel around. Same thing with the 6-figure and 7-figure contracts your company is involved with. It will earn you respect. Just don’t try it with women.
 
Here’s the first tip for the week.
 
 
Tip 1:
Rather than saying, “I have …,” or “I can do …,” the secret is finding an item in the conversation that relates to your accomplishment. Then start with something like, “I learned X when I was faced with a problem at IBM. I had to…”  Talking about what you learned or experienced keeps you just short of bragging—right where you want to be.
 
 
Tip 2:
You know how comfortable you feel when you’re telling someone about a memorable vacation you took? I want you to take a piece of paper, right now, and jot down a list of items from your life or career that are memorable, including a few that are impressive. I want you to craft what Peggy Klaus calls a “bragalogue.”  Pretend you’re writing a screenplay that only includes the good parts. OK, throw in a couple missteps to show your humility (we still are expected to be somewhat humble) and to show your sense of humor. This is now Your Story—a story you enjoy talking about.
 
Now, get out there and tell Your Story!
 
 
Further Reading:
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Powerful Body Language For Working Women,
—Women, Change Your Body Language, Change Your Message
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Build Your Business Network —Build Your Business Network One Event At A Time
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, 3 Steps to Gain More Authority —Women Have To Work Harder Than Men To Gain Authority
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Victoria Simon and Holly Pedersen, Fearless Communication
—Our At-Home Style Is Not Successful In Business
 
Book, by Peggy Klaus, Brag! The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn Without Blowing It
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Take That Interview Or Promotion Review,
—How To Improve Your Interviewing Skills
________________________________________________________________

Tags: bragging, self, promotion, business, women

Creating Boundaries For You To Follow
 
 
Balance is not better time management, but better boundary management.
Balance means making choices and enjoying those choices.
—Betsy Jacobson
 
 
Making choices and enjoying those choices—that’s a scenario that worth aiming for! Let’s learn how we can achieve that by breaking the process down into steps. Personal coach Laura Berman Fortgang has her clients take a couple days off from work to think about the following questions:
 
1. If my life could focus on one thing and one thing only, what would that be?
2. If I could add a second thing, what would that be?
3. A third?
4. A fourth?
5. A fifth?
 
I’m going to assume you don’t have a couple days free, so grab a blank piece of paper right now and put down the 5 most important items. Then think about them and rearrange them if necessary. They will probably include some of these:
 
Family
Career/Job
Friends
Community
Church/Spirituality
Travel
Hobbies
Art/Culture
Sports
Health
 
Drop Unnecessary Activities
You know those annoying activities that keep popping up, and you keep doing, but are droppable none-the-less. Drop them! Drop them especially fast if they don’t pertain to your top 5 list.
 
Protect You Work Time & Your Private Time
Set boundaries for your workday. For instance, you may decide that you will not arrive at work before a certain time and you won’t work later than a specific hour. I advise you to consider that you won’t work through lunch. Schedule your lunchtime just like any appointment. Decide day by day whether it will be for your relaxation, your socialization, or perhaps for the chance to court a new client or business opportunity . . . while you eat.
 
Don’t try to justify your private time to others. You know you need time for yourself—so, schedule it in.
 
Set 2 Goals Every Day
Make sure that your schedule is set so there is at least one thing you will be proud you achieved and one thing you know you’ll enjoy—every day.
 
Here’s the tip for the week.
 
 
Tip:
I want you to get creative with the second half of the work-life balance issue—the life half. Think of a deal you can make with one of your friends to gain more time in your personal life. For example, “If you take my kids to and from soccer, I’ll make a double-size dinner on Wednesdays and you can pick it up on your way home.”  You get the idea. It’s bartering with winners on both sides. Let me know your creative ideas!  I’ll share them with our audience.
 
 
Further Reading:
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Time Management By Delegation —Get A Handle On Time By Delegating
 
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Women Need To Learn Perfection Is Not A Good Thing —Save Precious Time: Avoid Perfection
 
Website, WomensMedia, by Brenda Wilkins, The Reality of Work-Life Balance —Join the Journey
 
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Learn How To Say “No” Like You Mean It
—Get Rid Of The “Shoulds” And Say “No” Without Guilt!
________________________________________________________________

Tags: work-life, balance, business, women