Work-Life Balance: Men Are Learning To Share
The Second Shift Is Up For Negotiation
“Men are changing when women are negotiating the second shift.”
—Nancy Clark
Richard Mbuthia says, “Housework, in all honesty, is believed by most husbands (read men) to be the sole responsibility of women. To many men, there is no doubt who should do all the housework, even daunting chores, come rain come shine–woman.”
When a woman comes home after a hard day at work, helping to support the family, she doesn’t have an excess of energy that’s necessary to work a second shift of housework, and possibly childcare as well. The Somewhat Good News is that for young couples, this second shift is being frequently discussed. The result is that men are helping out more. Housework is not something either a man or a woman looks forward to after a day at work, so it must be discussed—I mean negotiated—and shared.
The Really Good News is that young fathers often want to help with childcare—they want to be more involved in raising their children than perhaps their fathers were. They’re considering flexible schedules when selecting jobs, and they’re letting their bosses know when they want to attend school events. Two hundred men showed up at a local father-child school lunch. Ten years ago that would not have happened.
There’s more Good News still: Working moms and dads are actually spending more interactive time with their children than they did in 1965 (when fewer moms were in the workforce). That goes against conventional wisdom, doesn’t it? Check out ATUS (American Time Use Survey) for the details. Women are going to work, yet children are getting more quality time, what’s the secret? The secret is that less time is spent on housework. Either homes are not as tidy as in the Father Knows Best days, or housework and cooking tasks are more efficient or are being outsourced.
I wasn’t kidding when I said the second shift is up for negotiation. As part of a pre-marriage discussion, who’s going to do what tasks should be discussed—perhaps in writing. Here are various scenarios (if you have others, I would appreciate if you add them to the Comments section of this blog):
- (Use this one if you don’t mind ending up in the second shift seriously exhausted bin.) Use traditional gender roles where the woman handles the childcare, cleaning, laundry, and cooking, and the man handles the outside work and the cars.
- Divide the tasks into two piles based on estimated hours per week. (Each week or month you’ll need to discuss if revamping is needed.)
- Assign certain tasks to days of the week for each person. (For example, he picks up the children and fixes dinner two days a week.)
- Do job-switching once in a while. It helps each person realize what the other is contributing. (It also has the added benefit of avoiding the, “Will you help me fix dinner?” which sends the message that fixing dinner is always one person’s job.)
Now if you’re a single parent (that’s one-third of households with children), you’re probably saying, “But what about me? Who’s going to help me with the housework?” The numbers show your household probably has less income, but I doubt if you have less cleaning, laundry, and cooking to do. I know you want to spend time with your children, but there’s less of that commodity available. Use a little bit of that valuable time to seriously consider my tip of the week. You need it most!
I have one thing to say to those of you who are single with no children: Plan, plan ahead! Situations can change quickly.
Tip of the Week:
I want you to make a plan for deserving and asking for a raise. Write an outline of new things you can do at work. Add a note about how you’ll make sure others—lots of others—know about your progress. Then, make an appointment with your boss to discuss “something of importance to you.” I talk about this in How To Ask For A Raise Even Though It’s Not The Perfect Time (it never is). Add to the end of you plan that you’ll use half of the additional income for help with the housework. Imagine how good that would feel! Make it happen.
Further Reading:
Podcast (always less than 10 minutes), Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Salary Negotiation: How To Ask For A Raise —How To Ask For A Raise Even Though Your Boss Is Presenting An Obstacle
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, How To Get A Handle On Time —Don’t Let Time Ruin Your Work-Life Balance
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Women Need To Ask! —Men Ask More, Men Get More
Website, WomensMedia, by Deborah M. Kolb, Judith Williams, and Carol Frohlinger, Negotiating Work/Family Issues, —Family-Friendly Workplace Policies Make Good Sense
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