Communicating With Authority, Or Deferring To Men?
Why Are Smart Women Deferring To Men?
I’m sure every woman has noticed this here and there at work: A smart woman deferring to a man who is not entirely correct—and she knows it—and he doesn’t—but he’s speaking with confidence and a loud voice. It always makes me wonder why she’s deferring to him by not speaking up. Is it perhaps because he has a higher rank in the company? Is it because he sounds so confident that she may be questioning her knowledge of the matter? We do that so easily. Or, is it because it may upset the applecart when a woman corrects a man in public? This last explanation is often the culprit and with good reason—beware women. You should be speaking up, but it’s still necessary to walk a tightrope while doing this. Maybe in a few years they’ll remove the rope, but you must proceed with caution today. If you’re in a business meeting, the best advice I can give you is to allow the man to save face while you present the correct information—remember, if you’re 80% sure, that’s good enough. You can say something like, “That’s what I thought until I studied the new report out of Stanford. It’s showing a 30% decline in X. Would you like me to forward the information?”
If it’s a situation where it doesn’t make you look foolish, you can let it go and talk to him in private. He’ll appreciate the gesture when you say, “I didn’t want to mention it earlier, but the new information shows X. I’ll get it to you.” I certainly don’t want to promote deferring to men, but poor guys, they take the heat from other men when corrected by a woman in public. As Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, “Don’t be a Girlie Man!”
There is one situation that really irks me! It’s when a group of intelligent, voluptuous women hear a man spout a stupid idea and then enlist the entire group to work on it. Yep, I’m talking about Donald Trump’s The Apprentice! And congratulations should be given to the Donald—he called them on it. He wanted to know why women who had been promoting their own viable projects would defer to an unworkable idea put forth by a man. And then they worked on it! I’ve given that situation some thought. At first, I thought those aren’t regular women. They’ve selected candidates who have lots of telegenic qualities plus lots of cleavage. OK, they aren’t exactly regular women, but unfortunately they act like regular women when they defer to men. I say “unfortunately” because that may have played out well in the past at home or with the nomad clan, but now women are at work, and that’s different.
Tip: This week, I want you to pay particular attention to instances where you’re starting to backslide into your old Don’t Tell Him He’s Wrong tactic. Think quickly. Find a way to get your information out with the least damage. But get your information out! Is there someone in your company who frequently spouts nonsense? Talk with other women about the Speaking Up While Saving Face technique. And make a pact that you’ll back each other up when this occurs. I’m not talking Revolution here, merely what’s good for business—and good for women—well, that’s the same thing.
Further Reading:
WomensMedia, by Victoria Simon and Holly Pedersen, Communicating with Men at Work
WomensMedia, by Randy Siegel, Use Communication Strength in Business
YWCA, 10 simple ideas to empower women
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