Gender Communication Differences: Looking Through The Male Lens
Why Did He Take That The Wrong Way?
A friend of mine owns a large mergers and acquisitions firm that buys and sells companies. She was on her way from Los Angeles to New York for a business meeting when her plane was delayed. While she was waiting in an airport bar, a man approached her. “Hello, would you like a little company?” he asked. “Sure” she said. “Do you have one for sale?” She was thinking business, he was thinking female.
—Judy Rosener
In my blog posting, Gender Communication: Nature Or Nurture? I talk about how societal pressures form quite a bit of our gender communication differences. Besides that “quite a bit” is what most mothers have observed: Little boys want to play with other little boys and they want to play differently from girls. This sets up the change in how boys and girls talk at an early age—and they diverge further from that point.
The linguist Deborah Tannen discusses the differences as being from 2 separate cultures. John Gray labels the cultures Mars and Venus, as you’ve probably heard. Our language is so close to us, it’s tough to see how profoundly it influences our actions. We operate through a female-talk filter. I love the French culture, and enjoy seeing how they use a different lens: We seem overly friendly and intrusive; they seem distant and uninterested. If you understand what they’re used to, you know what to expect and how to act. We need to do the same thing when we’re working with men. If you’re surprised you aren’t getting the reaction you were expecting, stop and think about how it could have been perceived through the male lens. For instance, if you’ve been having a rough time lately and comment on this to a male coworker, you should not be surprised that he feels put on the spot to find the source of the blame. “It’s not my fault!” automatically runs through his head. “You shouldn’t have taken on that large of a project!” might come next. If you anticipate that he’ll hear this soundtrack, you can avoid it by saying, “I’m not sorry I took on this large project, but it certainly has worn me out. I’m sure you can imagine how I feel.”
On the other side of the coin, when a man complains about a mistake he made, you may make an attempt to make him feel better by telling of something worse that happened to you. Guess what he might think? He might think he was 1-down (it’s a competition game) when he told you about his mistake and now you’ve lowered him to 2-down by equating him with your mistake. 1-up is a guy’s preferred state and this starts when little boys play together—you know, taller-than-you, stronger-than you, louder-than-you! You meant to lessen his anguish, but he didn’t see it that way. When we’re talking with women, we’re used to bringing up our own problems. It shows that We’re-All-Equal-Here. We can’t make men operate through a female lens, but we can learn how they perceive things. We’re smart. We can do that.
Here’s the tip of the week.
Tip:
The next time you’re around a man who is anguishing over a mistake he made, use your knowledge of the male viewpoint. What would he want to hear? Not one of your mistakes. Point out a related strong point he has. Focus on one of his successes. Is this being manipulative? Nah, it’s just good behavior by using the gender version of the Golden Rule: Treat others as they would like to be treated.
Now, get out there and use my version of the Golden Rule!
Further Reading:
Podcast (always less than 10 minutes), Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Gender Communication: Nature Or Nurture? —Why Do We Have Mars-Venus Communication, And Why Is Mars More Powerful?
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Gender Communication: Nature Or Nurture? —Why Do We Have Mars-Venus Communication? And Why Is Mars More Powerful?
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Why A Female Brain Is Now OK —The Timing Is Right To Admit It
Website, WomensMedia, by Victoria Simon and Holly Pedersen, Fearless Communication
—Our At-Home Style Is Not Successful In Business
Website, WomensMedia, by Bonita Banducci, Equality and Equity— Equal and Different
Book, by Deborah Tannen, Talking from 9 to 5 : Women and Men at Work
Podcast (always less than 10 minutes), Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Nature vs. Nurture
—Men and Women: Different But Equal
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