Working With Women Without Catfighting
How To Resolve Conflict Without Catfighting
Every single inch of ground that a woman stands upon today has been gained by the hard work of some little handful of women of the past.
—Susan B. Anthony
Catfighting is not something women are proud of. I talk about it in my blog and podcast, What’s With This Catfighting?. In the business world, competition is good and so is the inevitable conflict. What we need to learn to do better is to resolve the conflicts—not avoid them! I’m sure it’s obvious to you that competition and conflict do not sit well with the outdated Good Girl stereotypes we were spoon fed. Toss them out. Don’t teach them to your daughters. We’ll all be better off. Instead, let’s work harder to foster cooperation among women.
The way we present a business problem to another woman can set the stage for a pre-catfight defensive, “It’s not my fault. You’re always picking on me!” or a cooperative response. Not all women jump to the defensive, but if you assume it’s possible, you can set the stage to avoid catfighting by gaining cooperation. Pat Heim and Susan Murphy, authors of In The Company Of Women, outline the components needed for cooperation:
- Respecting the opposition
- Valuing the relationship with those of the opposing viewpoint
- Recognizing that you need the opposition to implement the desired outcome
- Supporting your opponent’s self-esteem and sense of power
- Supporting your own self-esteem and sense of power
Get used to employing each of these components—in such a way that the other party recognizes and appreciates your efforts. Your cooperation will be easier to attain.
Now, about that messy conflict thing you’d like to avoid. How should you try to manage it? Well, to manage conflict you should have rapport with the other woman—you should be able to discuss your feelings with her. Think of your relationship with a good friend. You know you can tell her how you feel and even if she doesn’t agree with you, she’ll try to see your point of view. This is what you should try to achieve with a co-worker. Tell her you don’t want to want to dismiss either point of view, you merely want to understand both and look for a way to resolve any conflict.
The next thing you need to do is to make sure you’re not acting in a defensive manner. Monitor your thoughts, words, and especially your body language. Relax and release all defensiveness. If you don’t, the other party senses it and the barriers go up. Then, you don’t have a chance at cooperation and conflict resolution.
Let the other person have her chance to talk. Use active listening techniques, such as, “So I can see you’re saying I asked for the data before the deadline and embarrassed you.” Legitimize her feelings with, “I understand how that made you feel. I’m sorry to have put you in that situation.”
Here’s the tip for the week.
Tip: If you see a potential problem coming up, talk to the other woman privately saying something on the order of, “Susan, I value your knowledge of X and I’d like you and I to work together to come up with a solution to the financial increases. When would be a good time to get together?” If for some reason she’s defensive, “It’s not my fault!” you can say, “It’s a business problem, not a personal problem. I’m sure together we can come up with something. We’re both smart. Shall we give it a try?”
Further Reading:
Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, What’s With This Catfighting? —Learn To Handle Indirect Aggression At Work
Blog, Women’s Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, What’s With This Catfighting? —Learn To Handle Indirect Aggression At Work
Website, WomensMedia, by Colette Carlson, Do You Communicate Clearly And Directly —Or Are You Passive-Digressive? Podcast, Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Are Women As Competitive As Men? —Is Competition Unfeminine?
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