We have all encountered Backstabbers at work. They are gossips, mean spirited and hurtful! One in every 30 people in high-performing business situations has been identified as a Backstabber. This rate is several times higher than that of the general population. Are you surprised? These people have little conscience or ability to develop one. Their only goals seem to be power and personal gain.

Taking credit for others’ work and finding reasons to place blame whenever anything goes wrong are typical behaviors for them. In the research I did for my book, Toxic People: decontaminate difficult people at work without using weapons or duct tape, this category of difficult behavior was referenced most often.

Backstabbers Cause Real Damage
Never overlook the damage Backstabbers can do. Don’t laugh at them or shrug off their behavior. If you do, it just reinforces their control and their negative behavior. They won’t change, because this Backstabber behavior has worked for them in the past.

Listen for the messages they send and how you interpret them in your thinking: “Be careful what you say about me, or I’ll say something that will embarrass you in front of others” or “There is nothing you can do to stop me; I’m more clever than you.”

Sometimes Backstabbers will even send another kind of message, such as, “I’m only trying to be helpful. Maybe you don’t see the weakness in yourself. It’s lucky for you I’m honest. Listen to my feedback if you want to succeed.”

Choose Your Survival Tactic
The good news is that the survival tactics are learned. One approach is to build a positive relationship with Backstabbers and anyone they have enlisted. The more your coworkers like you, the less they will side with them. Never say anything negative about the Backstabbers. If they find out, they will turn you into the troublemaker.

If a Backstabber tells you that someone else in the office doesn’t like you or has it in for you, go to the person directly and ask if it’s true. The Backstabber has probably told the other person a similar story about you. These lies can be exposed when there is good communication in your workplace. And yes, it is your job to start the process of clarification. Don’t wait for it to improve on its own.

In testing language, I’ve found the following to work most effectively. “That did sound like you were serious. Do the rest of you feel that way? Is this becoming a problem?” Or, “I understand that you’re unhappy with the plan. Your feedback is important. I want to hear what you think.”

Keep careful records if you truly believe the Backstabber is trying to ruin your career. You need dates, times, information, interactions, and other data. Use a daily planner or calendar. Substantiate what has actually happened in a log. When you can, indicate witnesses and include their approval.

If you are going to talk directly to the Backstabber, write down precisely what you will say and practice the conversation. Focus on keeping ownership and personal accountability by emphasizing what you need. Remember to use “I” language. Use words such as, “I need your help in clarifying a situation,” vs. “You have created a problem for me.” “You” language is interpreted by Backstabbers as a threat and will only make them more aggressive. Be ready for them to try to frustrate and confuse you.

Stop using victim talk such as, “I can’t, I won’t be able to, or it will never work.” You always have choices when deciding what to do in a toxic situation and with a Backstabber. When you are stuck in a rut and feel you have nowhere to turn, stop and question yourself. “Do I choose to take it, leave it or change it? What’s my plan?”

1) Take it - When you accept events as they are in the moment, you send a message to yourself that it is OK for right now. Maybe not perfect but livable. The situation is not creating tremendous stress or discomfort. You know this state is temporary. With focus, goals, and planning, the future will be different and the Backstabber will be in check.

2) Leave it - The most difficult decision you face is when you are forced to step out of your comfort zone and reject the situation. This can appear as a great and overwhelming risk. This is when you say, “I'm not going to accept it the way it is, and I know I can't change it so I'm leaving.” You begin looking for a new position because the Backstabber is just too much to take. Just make sure you are not running away and that you have made several attempts to resolve the situation. No risk, no reward.

3) Change it - This may appear to be difficult and overwhelming because it takes you to a place you’ve never been. Managing the unknown can be as easy as changing your perspective, your opinion, or your attitude. Other times you have to negotiate and dig to get what you want. Deciding to change means tackling what is going on right now for the sake of building something better later. It takes work to identify what you need and want from the Backstabber relationship. It takes courage to ask for what you want. Remember if you can’t accept it and don’t want to leave it, then working for change is the only remaining option. You always have options.

Use good eye contact without staring. Avoid fluttering or blinking too much—these are signs of weakness, nervousness, and fear. Try to stand when you speak and keep one foot slightly in front of the other. This helps you project a confident and competent image and allows you to move with energy (not threat) toward your Backstabber. Above all, stay pleasant and focus on the positive intent of the interaction. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it work the effort! And the real key in dealing with Backstabbers at work — don’t become one.

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Marsha Petrie Sue
As a professional speaker and author, Marsha Petrie Sue is the Mohammed Ali of communicators. She can dance and look pretty, and she uses the entire ring, but she knows how and when to land a knockout punch. Get the smelling salts! Her presentations are charm school with live ammunition.

Please visit www.MarshaPetrieSue.com
or read her blog: www.DecontaminateToxicPeople.com.
Request the Ten Commandments of Cooperation from Marsha!

She is the author of

Toxic People: dealing with difficult people
in the workplace without using weapons or duct tape.

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