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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

 When Men Won't Listen : Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

There are a few things that all women seem to notice and all men don’t see at all. Alright, alright, I know I can’t say “all.” But it’s pretty nearly “all” whenever I speak to a large group of men and women and I ask this question: “Raise your hand if you’ve been in a meeting when a woman made a suggestion and no one seemed to notice?” Pretty nearly every woman will raise her hand and sadly nod her head—meaning it was her—and the men will be dumbfounded that this is the situation. Honestly women, we can’t blame men, because they aren’t even aware of this behavior.

Sociologists tell us this behavior begins when boys are 3 to 4 years old and are playing with other boys. They’re focused on competing with boys: Faster-Than-You, Stronger-Than-You, Louder-Than-You! They’re not focused on girls, and what the girls might be saying. Sounds like the alpha-male conditioning sets in pretty early, doesn’t it?

Well, I’m of the belief that in the workplace it doesn’t play out well for you to claim, “ Not fair. Not fair. Make him listen!” You can do that if you don’t mind being labeled The Trouble-Maker Who Should Be Avoided. I believe your best bet is to recognize that this happens frequently and that there are precautions you can take.

Look around your company and notice which men seem sympathetic to the obstacles working women have to dodge. Talk to one or more of them about being careful to notice when a woman’s comment is not noticed. Tell them how much their response will be appreciated. And when they pick up the ball, make sure it doesn’t go unnoticed!

Now, here’s your Tip of the Week.

Tip:

Plan ahead before you go into a meeting. Know what your key point will be. When you’re ready to speak, address your idea to one of the highest-level men in the room—you know that alpha-male thing again. Say, “Jim, I’ve been analyzing the X situation, and can see that we should do Y.” Trust me, when you say his name, you’ll get Jim’s full attention. I call this the Mommy-Caught-Me syndrome. You don’t have to say, “What do you think?” He’ll go ahead and comment. And anyway, if you say, “What do you think?” men interpret this to mean you don’t know if it’s a good idea and consequently, you need his help. Of course, we know that’s not what we mean. But part of successfully playing the game is knowing what others are thinking. It sure is a good thing we have that feminine advantage: Women’s Intuition!

Now, get out there and do the name-calling trick. See how well it works!

See a related article on WomensMedia, by Debra Meyerson, Gender in Business: When Women Are Not Heard

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

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Women Have A Head Start With Win-Win Negotiation

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

 Negotiation for Women: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Most men are on the lookout for any opportunity to negotiate. It’s a game to them—and it should be for women too, because . . . you get more of the stuff you like. Erase the image from your mind that a negotiation is something that only happens when you sit down to draw up a contract or ask for a raise. It happens much more often than that! You might be interested in moving your office or desk, having your boss give one of your tedious tasks to someone else, or having someone other than you take the minutes at those meetings. You have a chance to gain whatever you want, but it takes negotiation. Super negotiators are not born that way. They learn how to negotiate. And so can you.

In their book, The Shadow Negotiation, Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams state that we women “let opportunities to negotiate slip by us unclaimed or unnoticed. Cramped by circumstance, with no magic up our sleeve, we don’t consider negotiation a possibility. We just make do and move on, not realizing that we might have bargained. Often, from lack of training or experience, we fail to recognize that we are in the midst of a negotiation until it is too late to change the outcome.”

There’s Good News and Bad News for women and negotiation. The Bad News is that most of us have been conditioned to “make sure everyone gets along.”  So, we try to avoid conflict. If this is a pattern that you’ve been following, I’m sure you’ve lost out on a lot of things. You need to realize that negotiation does not have to be a win-lose conflict. It can often be a plus for both sides—a win-win situation. While you’re still in your Conflict Avoidance Stance, you don’t look strong at the table. And when you don’t look strong, other people will jump at the chance to undermine your credibility and even your right to have a position in the discussion. In my tip today, I’ll address this issue. You’ll also be helped by taking a few minutes to play my podcast, Powerful Body Language —Women, Change Your Body Language, Change Your Message.

The Good News for women is that we tend to be good at building relationships. And guess what? Your skills of connection are valuable for discovering the other party’s hidden agenda. In any negotiation there are two things going on at the same time. There’s the substance of the problem you’re trying to solve. And there’s a big something under all that—there’s the shadowy interpersonal communication that takes place concerning how each party wants to handle the negotiation and what the talk and gestures convey about relationships and expectations. You know how solving a problem within a family is not just about the logical variables. Yep, you know about that.

I want you to become an expert at drawing out the shadow negotiation. State the problem and how it affects you. Show the other people involved that you value them and their ideas. Your goal is to have both parties look at the situation from different perspectives and work together to come up with a creative solution. As the discussion gets underway, look for the underlying feelings and bring them to the surface. Talk about them. They’re important if you want to solve the problem. It may be that one person feels his or her opinions don’t get enough attention. You need to let others know that these feelings are important to you. It’s possible for those involved to come away from the table with better relationships. And with better relationships, problems are solved faster.

Here’s the tip.

Tip:

At the beginning of a negotiation, establish your I-Belong-At-This-Table position by stating your interests. This must be done in a firm, but not hostile manner. You have a right to advocate for your interests. Silently repeat this mantra: I will not become defensive! There is no reason to become defensive—you have a right to work for your interests. State the current situation, how it affects you, and how it affects the company. Doing this will help you appear strong and with every right to have a place at the table—the negotiation table.

See a related article on WomensMedia, by Dana Bristol-Smith, Presenting for Success: Simple Strategies to Add Confidence and Credibility to Your Next Presentation

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

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See this related article: Listening to Women: New Perspectives on Negotiation —Women Have Powerful Insights In Negotiation by Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams

Women, Change Your Body Language, Change Your Message

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

 Powerful Body Language: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Do you want to improve the first impression you make? Do you want people to consider you as capable as a man working in the same field? As a woman, you have to pay more attention to the impression you’re making because you have to overcome the initial stereotype that pops up in the other person’s mind when then think, “Oh, it’s a woman.”

In my podcast, I talk about components outside of body language that you must attend to. Pay attention to those and add to your repertoire a good knowledge of body language. It’s an important component of the amount of authority you receive. In fact, it accounts for more than half of what’s learned in a conversation. Don’t you want people to learn that you’re confident, competent, and sincere? If you answered “yes,” then keep reading and I’ll tell you how.

Entering a Room

If you’re walking in with others, try to walk in first. This makes a powerful impression on the people already in the room. If you’re on your own entering a room full of people, walk in the door, stand to the side and quickly survey the room to plan where you’ll go. Perhaps there’s a group of people you could walk over to and meet—in lieu of high-tailing it over to your familiar clan. Or, if you see a group of higher-ups, take this opportunity to walk over and ask them a question related to business. Ewww, is that out of your comfort zone? Here’s how to do it:  Approach the group and stand a little outside of their circle and smile, wait for a lull in the conversation, and I bet someone will say hello.

The Handshake

As a woman, you can’t get away with the advice given to men for a powerful handshake. That’s the one where he puts his hand out palm down and dominates the shake. My advice is for you to be the first one to put your right hand out, thumb facing up. It’s important to be the first because that’s powerful, but more importantly, because men often don’t know if you’ll be okay with a handshake. Let him know you are. Also, face him directly—not at an angle, which looks tentative and unsure. Grip his hand firmly and fully—not any of this fingertip stuff. Smile, look in his eyes, and say something.

Powerful Speaking

If possible, be the first person to talk. As you’re talking, try pausing now and then. It makes the impression that you’re powerful and controlling the conversation. One caveat here:  If there’s a man present who likes to interrupt women, forget the pausing and use the “just a minute” hand gesture in his direction.

Blinking & Nodding

Just saying those 2 words sounds powerless. Try not to blink too often—it signals nervousness. Try not to nod as often as you do with a group of women. We women like to reassure each other that we’re listening, so we nod. Curtain this body language with men. They take it to mean that we’re either in total agreement with their ideas, or we’re weak and doing the frightened doggie Don’t-Attack-Me stance.

Smiling

Here’s the double-edged sword:  People expect women to smile more often than men. When you don’t smile quite enough, you get saddled with the She’s Not Nice label. So go ahead with some smiling but NOT when you disagree with what someone is saying, and NOT when you’re being verbally attacked. Many women have the habit of smiling when they’re uncomfortable—and when you’re ideas are being attacked, you’re uncomfortable. On a related topic from my podcast on Gender Stereotypes, I was asked if I’d advise a woman to frown when she’s on the receiving end of a put-down. My reply was that a firm, stern look goes over better than a Frowning Woman look.

Fidgeting

Imagine if you were videoed for a day at work. Would we see you twirling or fixing your hair, picking at your nails, rubbing your face, fiddling with paperclips, or tapping pens? There are 2 reasons for these actions:  You’re either trying to get rid of all that nervous energy, or you’re reassuring yourself that maybe you’re going to be okay—but you’re not sure. Those are 2 Powerless Messages. Stop it!

Tip:

You can add power by taking control of your body language. You may not be as tall as the men in your workplace, but you can still use positioning to your advantage. Take advantage of opportunities to stand up when others are seated. Occupy your space by putting your arms out on the chair or the table—look bigger and more powerful. When you’re sitting, don’t let your hands or feet dangle, don’t slouch back, but sit up tall and lean forward and look others in the eye. You can do that.  Now get to it!

Also see:  Presenting for Success: Simple Strategies to Add Confidence and Credibility to Your Next Presentation

Be sure to visit WomensMedia to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

See our latest on Forbes

See our latest on Forbes

by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

Sign up for the WomensMedia Newsletter. We make it easy!

 

 To Brag Or Not To Brag: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

It’s not bragging if you can back it up.
—Muhammad Ali

Ali can get away with bragging but we women can’t. We must walk a fine line between informative self-promotion and outright bragging. Most of us have been raised on the little girl admonitions, “It’s not nice to brag!” and “Who does she think she is?”  As long as these sayings are still playing in your mental background, you’ll feel uncomfortable when you know you’re bragging. And when you’re uncomfortable, other people focus on your discomfort. You don’t want that! The secret I can tell you is how to promote yourself just short of bragging. And that’s something you probably do want.

You need to self-promote—even if you’re not interviewing for a job. As you meet people they’re going to form split-second impressions of you. If you’re a woman, that may tend toward the sister, wife, mother, girlfriend, low-level employee, or helper images. Remember this and craft something in the beginning of a conversation that sets them in the right direction. I’ll tell you 2 simple ways to craft it in the tips of the week.

Meanwhile, for the guys who tell me they read this blog, women are not impressed the same way men are. For instance, men are often impressed when another man mentions his car by brand. Or, as I saw, a man left his Ferrari keys on the table during an entire dinner. For women, this type of display is too blatant. We don’t feel we should do it; we won’t allow other women to easily do it; and we see through it when men do it. You know, maybe we should ease up. Or not. On the other hand, women, if you’re talking only to men, you can take it up a notch without worry. Mention the private jet business trip you took, even if it was ages ago, and watch the men’s heads swivel around. Same thing with the 6-figure and 7-figure contracts your company is involved with. It will earn you respect. Just don’t try it with women.

Here’s my Women in Business Tip of the Week. Actually, there’s two this week!

Tip 1:
Rather than saying, “I have …,” or “I can do …,” the secret is finding an item in the conversation that relates to your accomplishment. Then start with something like, “I learned X when I was faced with a problem at IBM. I had to…”  Talking about what you learned or experienced keeps you just short of bragging—right where you want to be.

Tip 2:
You know how comfortable you feel when you’re telling someone about a memorable vacation you took? I want you to take a piece of paper, right now, and jot down a list of items from your life or career that are memorable, including a few that are impressive. I want you to craft what Peggy Klaus calls a “bragalogue.”  Pretend you’re writing a screenplay that only includes the good parts. OK, throw in a couple missteps to show your humility (we still are expected to be somewhat humble) and to show your sense of humor. This is now Your Story—a story you enjoy talking about.

Now, get out there and tell Your Story!

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

Website, WomensMedia, by Simon and Pedersen, Communicating With Men at Work

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

See our related article: How to Get Out of Your Own Way —5 Strategies for Thinking Outside the Box

Enjoy Some Risk-Taking—It’s Good For Business

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

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It’s better to be boldly decisive and risk being wrong
than to agonize at length and be right too late.
—Marilyn Moats Kennedy

Much as I’d like to say the large-scale Hagberg survey shows all Good News for women in business, I can’t lie to you. I talked about the areas where women are doing well in my blog posting, Proof That Women Make Great Managers —Studies Show Areas Where Women Excel.

Where aren’t they doing well? Risk-taking. Some risk-taking can help a business tap new markets and surge ahead of the pack. Of course, sometimes there’s a good reason for avoiding risk. Risk aversion is an important talent if you’re herding children away from the edge of a cliff, for example. But business is a different story.

Are there women who take risks as well as the best of the men? Yep, and often you’ll find them at the head of companies. That tells you something.

The Hagberg study indicates that women—in a quest to be thorough—want all the data before making big decisions. This decision-making style, which may have helped a woman reach middle management, may discourage her from taking career-advancing, high-risk assignments. It may also discourage others from thinking of her as CEO material.

Taking risks and accepting the consequences is a required skill in corporate America’s top echelons. But hey, don’t despair. This is a skill that can be learned. Which brings me to my tip of the week.

Tip:  Nancy Clark’s 5 Steps of Risk-Taking

This tip is for you—unless you’re the type of woman who readily jumps on a motorcycle and has broken at least one arm and one leg doing something risky.

1.  Go with your gut.
Trust your instincts whenever you get the feeling that something could be a good business move.

2.  Give it the Pro & Con Test.
You know, draw a vertical line on a paper and quickly list the pluses and minuses to the move. Notice the word “quickly.” This is not a time for you to try for perfection. Tell yourself that no one is 100% right all the time and tell yourself that time is a valuable factor to consider in business.

3.  Move the bar up.
When you analyze your Pro & Con List, notice where you’d normally draw the line that causes you to say, “Nah, this is probably a No-Go.” What happens if you raise the bar 10%? 20%? If you’re normally a risk-averse person, better raise the bar 30%. All you need to do is decide what percentage is right for you.

4.  Gain buy-in from the right people.
Enlist the best people to work with you in implementing your idea.

5.  Handle the consequences professionally.
If you’re right, that’s a great business move. Handle your public relations and let others know of your success.

If you’re wrong, it’s not the end of the world. The end of the world would be if you did nothing. Formulate your statement along the lines of, “With hindsight being 20/20, I can now see that I overestimated sales to the X group.” or “I can see that the direction we should now head in is X.”

And start watching the guys! Yes, I said it. Watch when a guy lets a mistake slide off his back. At 5 pm it’s forgotten—and that’s a good model to follow!

Now get out there and learn to enjoy taking a few more risks!

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

See our related article: How to Get Out of Your Own Way —5 Strategies for Thinking Outside the Box

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Studies Show Areas Where Women Excel

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

Comprehensive management studies are showing women outscoring men in many categories. Of course, my first questions are: Which categories? And why hasn’t this translated into the top two tiers of management?

Business Week reports, “Twenty-five years after women first started pouring into the labor force–and trying to be more like men in every way, from wearing power suits to picking up golf clubs–new research is showing that men ought to be the ones doing more of the imitating.”  The studies show that women executives, when rated by their peers, their employees, and their bosses, score higher than their male counterparts on a wide variety of measures—from producing high-quality work to goal-setting to mentoring employees.

Contrary to stereotypes, women outperformed men in intellectual areas, such as recognizing trends, generating new ideas and getting results.

The Hagberg Consulting Group conducts in-depth performance evaluations of senior managers for its diverse clients, including technology, health care, financial-service, and consumer-goods companies. Of the 425 high-level executives evaluated, each by about 25 people, women execs outperformed men. In fact, women managers consistently rated higher than their male counterparts on 37 of 47 critical management qualities such as leadership, social skills, problem-solving and decision-making.

Several other studies showed similar patterns. Personnel Decisions International, a consulting firm in Minneapolis, looked at a large sample—58,000 managers—and found that women outranked men in 20 of 23 areas.

In a five-year study, Lawrence Pfaff, a Michigan management consultant, examined evaluations from 2,482 executives from a variety of companies and found that women outperformed men on 17 of 20 measures. You may not be surprised that women excelled in coaching, teamwork, empowering employees, but they excelled in decisiveness and planning as well. So, “Women Can’t Make Decisions” has been proven untrue. Which adage is next?

Adds Harvard Business School Professor Rosabeth Moss Kanter, ”Women get high ratings on exactly those skills needed to succeed in the global Information Age, where teamwork and partnering are so important.”

Head of IBM’s Global Services Div., Douglas Elix, says that instead of being motivated by self-interest, women are more driven by what they can do for the company.

Now for the Big Question: Why don’t we see more women in the top two tiers? One of the reasons is that more women need to venture out of the human resources and the publicity departments, which rarely provide top-level chair fillers—men or women.

Another reason is the result of backward-thinking stereotypes that make you want to bang your head on the desk, as evidenced by the following research. Robert Kabacoff of Management Research Group has just finished a study showing how CEOs and corporate boards view upper management, and he found a clear double standard. Male CEOs and senior vice-presidents got high marks from their bosses when they were forceful and assertive and lower scores if they were cooperative and empathic. The opposite was true for women: Female CEOs got downgraded for being assertive and got better scores when they were cooperative. Kabacoff’s conclusion? ”At the highest levels, bosses are still evaluating people in the most stereotypical ways.”  Banging your head on the desk is not going to help. What we need is more men like IBM’s Douglas Elix who are hiring and promoting women—and talking about it!

Tip: Don’t try to be so perfect! The Hagberg study indicates that women, in a quest to be thorough, want all the data before making big decisions. This style may have helped women reach middle management, but may discourage them from taking career-advancing, high-risk assignments. Take a tip from the men:  Speed can often be more important than perfection. It’s a hard idea to swallow, isn’t it? But you know it’s true.

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

See our related article: Women and Leadership: The Delicate Balancing Act

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Stop Believing These 3 Myths

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

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If you’ve suspected that happy people get better work evaluations and higher pay, then you’re right. A 15-year study in Australia showed this is true. Happiness has wide ranging effects. According to Professor Martin Seligman (author of Authentic Happiness), “…it turns out that adults and children who are put into a good mood select higher goals, perform better, and persist longer on a variety of laboratory tasks, such as solving anagrams.” Ah, that means happiness improves motivation as well. More Good News.

Did you ever expect to hear the words “scientific” and “happiness” in the same sentence? I didn’t, but now I’m happy about it.

Recent scientific reports show your happiness level is something that can be increased with a minimum amount of effort. Don’t you want to be happier? Don’t you think others like to be around happy people? Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California (author of The How of Happiness) has conducted happiness research with thousands of men and women. The Good News is that a full 40% of your happiness level is completely within your control. You may have received Unhappy Genes and suffered Unfortunate Life Circumstances, but you still get a clean 40% at your command. And the tasks you can do are surprisingly easy.

Before I talk about these tasks, let’s get the 3 Big Happiness Myths out of the way.

Myth #1: Happiness is something that you find, like Shangri-la. This is not true, so don’t wait around for this magical occurrence.

Myth #2: Our circumstances determine our happiness. This is not true, so don’t think, “IF only this would happen, THEN I’d be happy.” I think this is a trap everyone falls into at some time.

Myth #3: You either have it or you don’t. Not true either. I’ve already told you that you’ve got 40% to develop. You can make improvements.

Let’s get to the 12 tasks that Professor Lyubomirsky says will help you. She has an instant aversion to overly sweet sounding ideas, as I do. But, when she pushed herself to write gratitude letters to colleagues, she was surprised with the positive effect on others and on herself. So give yourself a little push. These are simple tasks. You don’t need to try all 12 of them. You could start out by selecting 4 that sound most appealing to you. Later, you can get around to other 8 and astound yourself with the results. Let me know about these astounding results. While you’re at it, get a copy of The How of Happiness and take its personal inventory and recommendations.

Here are the 12 simple tasks.

1. Express gratitude — You can tell others or you can write down 5 every evening for a week.
2. Cultivate optimism — Keep a journal of Your Best Possible Future. I’ll talk more about this in my Tip of the Week.
3. Avoid overthinking and social comparison — Cut down on how often you rethink your problems and compare yourself to others. Cut down on thoughts, such as, “I wish I wouldn’t have said that! I should have said …”
4. Practice acts of kindness — This is one of those overly sweet sounding ideas that I’m surprised I’ve become addicted to doing at least once a day. And scientists now have proof that “pay it forward” is something that usually happens. It’s saccharine, but true. I agree with Robert Wright (author of Non-Zero, another book you should get) that altruism is built into our genes. It’s helped our survival. As Martha Stewart would say, “It’s a good thing.”  Nah, I can’t get that sweet.
5. Nurture relationships — Spend time and energy in cultivating and enjoying a relationship, or healing an ailing relationship.
6. Develop strategies for coping — Practice ways to handle or get over stress, hardship, or trauma.
7. Learn to forgive — Write a letter in which you try to let go of anger or resentment of someone. It is necessary to write it, but not necessary to mail it.
8. Do more activities that truly engage you — I call these “flow activities” that you find challenging and absorbing. You know you’re in flow when you lose track of time. If you’re interested in this topic, you absolutely have to read the book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.
9. Savor life’s joys — Pay close attention and replay life’s momentary pleasures and wonders, through thinking, writing, drawing, or sharing with another.
10. Commit to your goals — Pick one, or several of your goals and devote time and effort to pursuing them.
11. Practice religion and spirituality — Devote thought and energy to whichever form is comfortable for you.
12. Take care of your body — Engage in physical activity, meditating, smiling, and laughing.

So, pick your Top 4 and devote attention to them. Later, pick up the other 8 and see how high you can raise your Happiness Level. Who could object to that?

My Business Tip of the Week deals with Task #2 Cultivating Optimism.

Here it is.

Business Tip of the Week:

This will not take much of your time. It will take 20 minutes tonight and 20 minutes for each of the next 3 nights. Research at two universities (by Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky, and by Professor Laura King) has shown this small investment of time can make a significant difference in your life.

Select a blank notebook and begin writing a journal of Your Best Possible Future. Be sure to cover each area of your life—I mean, your future life. Picture yourself in the future, after everything has gone as well as it could. You’ve worked hard and accomplished your life goals. For instance, Julie Anne could say, “I can imagine myself married with 2 children, working in the Internet field, spending summer vacations in Montana with my family, meditating and exercising on a regular schedule, planning social outings, organizing art exhibitions, and performing the saxophone with The Big Sky Cowgirls.”

Remember, scientists have shown us we can increase our happiness, optimism, and our motivation. Spending 4 nights on this exercise will make a difference, and devoting another night, maybe once a month, will improve it even more. How much of an improvement in Your Best Possible Future do you want to see? Make it happen. It’s within your control!

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

See our related article: 10 Tips from Gretchen Rubin on How to Be Happy at Work

Even Though Your Boss Says It’s Not The Perfect Time (It never is!)

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Nancy F Clark  (Follow me on Twitter)

You’d probably love it if your boss walked up to you today and said, “I’ve decided to give you a raise, effectively immediately.” Don’t hold your breath. No one wants to spend any more money than they have to. So, you’re going to have to ask for a raise. Here’s my advice on how to do this. First, do your homework on what you should expect in the way of compensation. Be sure to consult Internet salary websites, such as Salary.com or Salary Center on Monster.com.  In the U.S. women are paid 77 cents for every dollar men make.  If you set your sites on what men are paid and expect the same, you probably won’t be disappointed.  Don’t mention gender or need—keep the salary negotiation to what you bring to the business.

Make a list of your special skills and your accomplishments—especially recent ones.  Make an appointment with your boss to “talk about something of importance to you.”

And because I know this is a stressful time for you, I’ve included a script for you to have handy for a salary negotiation where your boss presents an obstacle.  Memorize it. You probably won’t have to recite it verbatim, but it will give you an extra boost of confidence to know you’ve got a script if you need it.

Tip: A Script for Stressful Times

I’m pleased to be working for this company, and I know the company is benefiting by my ___. (List 3 things, for example: client contacts, special project, marketing, etc.) I am looking for a salary of  __ dollars.

Now your boss presents an obstacle. (budget, timing, skills, etc.)

Have your individual X, Y, Z’s figured out ahead of time. Then, rather than dispute the obstacle, say,  “I understand your situation. The number I have in mind is X. The value I bring to the position is Y. And the benefit to the company will be Z.”

It’s up to you to read your boss, and at the same time, be fully confident you are deserving of this raise. If you truly believe you need to back down or accept a little less, set a time (3 mos., 6 mos.) when you can revisit this question about the salary you have in mind.

Further Reading:

See this related article on the WomensMedia site:
Gender Wage Gap: Are you paid as much as a man if he had your job?
by Evelyn Murphy with E.J. Graff

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Is She Too Strong? Too Pushy?

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Instead of a lawsuit, I say shine a spotlight on double standards in the workplace.

People will decide what’s not acceptable behavior.

Public opinion brings rapid change, and that’s what we anticipate.

—Nancy Clark

In the Harvard Business Review, Nancy Nichols writes, “Women who attempt to fit themselves into a managerial role by acting like men . . . are forced to behave in a sexually dissonant way. They risk being characterized as ‘too aggressive,’ or worse, just plain ‘bitchy.’ Yet women who act like ladies, speaking indirectly and showing concern for others, risk being seen as ‘ineffective.’”

Women have been caught in a double bind. We’re not part of the #1 team in business—the men’s team. That’s the situation we have today. Let’s not bemoan it—that won’t give us progress. Let’s analyze it and see where we can carve away a few more steps. Kathleen Hall Jamieson tells us, “Binds draw their power from their capacity to simplify complexity. Faced with a complicated situation or behavior, the human tendency is to split apart and dichotomize its elements. So we contrast good and bad, strong and weak, for and against, true and false, and in so doing assume that a person can’t be both at once—or somewhere in between. Such distinctions are often useful. But when this tendency drives us to see life’s options or the choices available to women as polarities and irreconcilable opposites, those differences become troublesome.” Jamieson points out that over the years women have found new options to exercise, so don’t think of yourself as permanently shackled. She states, “Put simply, over time women have learned to turn potatoes into vichyssoise.”

When I’m asked about this problem, I say, “When you see double standards for men and women in action, all you need to do is bring attention to the matter—without anger. Most people will make their own judgment that this is unfair treatment. Those who don’t are not ready to change—this week.”

I don’t promote more laws and more lawsuits as the best way to proceed. Public opinion is ready to change en masse. Instead of a lawsuit, put a spotlight on double standards. Let people decide if this is acceptable behavior. Today we’re seeing that fathers and mothers are worried about sending their daughters out into a workplace that will disappoint them, year after year, with inequities.

Debra Meyerson of Stanford University tells us that if you want to make an effort to change the use of double standards, you have to speak up. For instance, “Jack and Mary both have clients who like them. Jack is arrogant and all you do is laugh about it. But Mary is not nearly as arrogant, yet you criticize her when she does any self-promoting. Why does he get higher marks at promotion time? Doesn’t this look like we’re using double standards? Is this fair?”

Try This: Over the next week, look for instances of double standards being used for men and women in your workplace. Point out the problem without anger if possible. It’s very likely you can enlist a man to second this opinion. Honest, they’re out there ready to help!

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A related article:
WomensMedia, by Debra Meyerson, Gender in Business—Speak Up About Double Standards

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How To Make The Jump From Manager To Leader

by Nancy F. Clark (Follow her on Twitter)
See the latest on Forbes
Named one of Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

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“The only safe ship in a storm is leadership.”

—Faye Wattleton

What do you think it takes to move from a manager to a leader in your field? Conventional wisdom lets us believe that working hard at our assigned tasks is what’s required, but there’s a difference between being a manager and being a leader. Take a look at the table by Ellig and Morin’s below. Which category better represents how you’re operating today?

Are you a manager or a leader?

Manager	Leader
Delegates and investigates issues	Stops “the buck” passing
Listens to the trumpet	Sounds the trumpet
Implements strategies	Creates the vision
Uses resources	Provides resources
Sails the ship	Sets the course
Supports new ideas	Invents, innovates
Evaluates quality	Sets standards
Makes many decisions	Makes few decisions
Builds alliances	Builds trust and integrity
Supports and walks the talk	Articulates the message
Interacts with people	Knows his/her people
Lets people know him/her	Lets people think they know him/her
Gets and delivers feedback	Sets criteria for feedback
Refines current way of doing things	Consistently searches for a better way to do things
Is committed	Is passionately committed

Chances are most of you will see that you’re currently operating at the manager level. There’s nothing wrong with that . . . unless you thought you were aiming to be a leader. There are steps you can take to rise to this higher level. I’ll give you my three easy steps. Consider each step as adding a garment to your daily wardrobe that you’ll be wearing to work from now on.

Step 1:  Pin down your goals and values and communicate them to others. (My tip this week is related to this.)

Step 2:  Be a visionary with new ideas—don’t accept things as they’ve always been done. Inspire others with your ideas and enthusiasm. Encourage them to speak up with their ideas and the problems they see at work. Let others know you’ll hear them out and will consider their suggestions when you make decisions. But, when you make your decisions, you’ll proceed directly to Step 3 below.

Step 3:  Be bold and assume “the buck stops here” mantle, knowing full well that this means you may have a few dissenters. You should expect this and stop trying to make everyone happy!

Here’s my tip of the week.

Tip:

Many of you have told me you appreciate it when I give you a script to work with. Here’s one for you to use when talking with higher ups in your company.

I like working for this company and my goal is to reach the leadership level in X (marketing, etc.). I would appreciate it if you consider me for any new projects, teams, or studies that deal with this.

(Now if you want to carry this conversation to a higher plane—as a leader would—add the following.)

If you’re interested, I have an idea for a survey which would provide information to benefit the company. Would you like me to email it to you and then we could meet to discuss it?

You get the idea. If you want to be a leader, add these 3 pieces of advice to your working “wardrobe.”

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

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Further Reading:

WomensMedia, by Rebecca Hourston, The 3 Most Self-Destructive Behaviors and How to Change Them

WomensMedia, by Natalie R. Manor, Leadership & Confidence
—Many Women Are Competent, but Lack Confidence