How To Decide What You Really Want In The Future

by Nancy F. Clark (Follow her on Twitter)

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Named one of Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

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“It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision.”

—Helen Keller

Recently, I talked about Leadership For Women. One component of a good leader is having a vision for the future of the company. On a personal level, each of you needs a vision. What do you want to achieve? What will make you happy? Your choices on both levels, the corporate and the personal, are very important and very easy to botch.

The mystery is:  How do you select your vision? When a businesswoman comes to WomensMedia for coaching she often doesn’t know what she wants to achieve. She may say, “I’m not happy with my job. If I were promoted one-level up, I’d be happy.” or “If I had more prestige at work, I’d be happy.”  These are the types of things that Conventional Wisdom tells us will make us happier. You know I love to look closely at Conventional Wisdom . . . because it’s so often wrong and we all buy into it!

We’ve all seen those visual puzzles that change as we stare at them, showing us that we can’t always trust what we see at first. You also have an understanding that as we’re concentrating on one task, we may not be aware of something else that’s happening near us. What I’m leading up to here is that we have an inkling that our view of reality is not perfect, but what about our view of the future? Are you positive you know what will make you happy in the future? Guess what—you’re probably wrong! But wait. There’s a solution.

If you’re like most people (myself included) you’re saying, “You don’t know me! I’m different from most people. I’m smarter than most people. I know what will make me happy.”  In a case like this, the only thing that will make me take notice of a possible error on my part is to see what science says.

Scientists Gilbert and Wilson (Cambridge University Press) put their research into words we probably don’t want to hear:

“Much unhappiness … has less to do with not getting what we want,

and more to do with not wanting what we like”.

They maintain, and I agree, we miswant when we think getting a new car, or that big TV, or a new partner is what we need to be truly happy.

The research says we often err when we think about the future—and it also says the things we’ll regret most are the chances we didn’t take—the opportunities we let slip by. If we take a chance and it goes badly, we don’t realize how powerfully we can concoct rationalizations that sooth us back to normal. I told you I’d be giving you a solution . . .

But first, I have to recommend a book, Stumbling On Happiness. No, it’s not my book. And, no, I’m not profiting by telling you to buy it. I believe you’ll be better off by giving it a good read and a good think.

Of course you haven’t had time to get the book yet, but I’m still going to tell you the solution. I’m not ruining the book for you because if you’re like most people (moi aussi), you need to reinforce an idea over and over until it becomes “part of your wardrobe.”

The million-dollar solution is that you need to find people who are living the dream that you think will make you happy in the future. Talk with them about how happy, or unhappy, they are right now. What are the pluses? The drawbacks? Are you surprised with the answers? (Think of all those lottery winners who are no better off.) Do you need to interview more people? Do you need to rethink your vision?

Science has shown (and I believe it) that we’ll increase our odds of selecting a future vision that will make us happy if we rely on what others feel today. And who doesn’t want to increase her odds?

My tip is going to get you started using your newly increased odds.

Tip:

The first thing you have to do is very easy:  Get a blank piece of paper.

List 3 end goals you think might make you happy—for instance, CEO, Executive Vice President, Marketing Manager, small business owner, independent consultant, author, speaker—you get the idea.

Now list 3 people you could interview for each goal. Decide how to approach each one. Remembering that these are probably busy people, you could send an email introducing yourself and asking for a brief telephone (or in-person) conversation for their career advice.

Now get out and run with those increased odds of success!

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

Also see Eighteen Keys to Success —One of These May Unlock a Door for You! by Dianne Schilling

For Time Management Keep Your Priorities In Mind

by Nancy F. Clark (Follow her on Twitter)

Named one of Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

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If you’re a working woman, chances are you want to be a success in your job and you want tobe a success with your family and your friends, and you want some time for yourself as well. Talk about a full bucket!

Well, there’s only so much time available in that bucket—we aren’t allowed to make it bigger. So the quantity of tasks we put into this bucket each day is limited. You know you could easily fill it tomorrow with any 1 of these categories:

• Job
• Family
• Friends
• Yourself

1. First, you need some research. You need to know what works best for other working women. Our audience members at www.WomensMedia.com have tested our ideas and have saluted the one I’m about to tell you. Most of these women have agreed with us that they’re near a computer and would like to use it for their lists. We agree. This does make it nice and easy—and it looks good too! Aesthetics are important. Well, actions are too.

2. Now you need to know how to format any item on your To-Do List. It can’t be something difficult to do in one sitting, like “Prepare the Marketing Report.”  You might have a file for the Marketing Report. If you’re one of those Super-Organized Women, you probably have an outline of the steps that need to be taken—and the steps are in order! Nah, I’m not one of those women either. So, just think about the Marketing Report and decide what is one physical action that should be taken first. It might be an action such as, “Email, phone, or visit Jan to get her data.” That’s still not quite right. You have to state the exact action you’re going to take—OK, OK, I’ll email her.

3. You remember those 4 categories I mentioned, Job, Family, Friends, and Yourself? (You might want to add others, such as Church, etc.) Well, start with each of these separately, putting To-Do items—just a few—under each. When you’re a working woman it’s tough to decide which category is more important—so don’t do that yet!

4. At the left of each item put:

• “H” for high priority
• “M” for medium priority, or
• “L” for low priority.

You have a column of priority levels, then tab over, and you have the tasks listed. Look over the items you’ve listed as High Priority. Now think about the direction you want your career to take. Are you missing a task that will lead you there? This only takes a minute, but it’s a minute you should give your To-Do List each day. Now put your tasks into priority order, and see why using a computer is so helpful.

Here’s the customization decision only you can make:  Do you want to see 4 categories on your To-Do List separately or do you want to lump them together? Either way, keep the total number of tasks low. You want this to be a Doable To-Do List for the day.

5. At the end of the day, put an “X” in front of the tasks you’ve completed. Congratulate yourself for doing a good—or pretty good—job! In fact, why don’t you give yourself a little reward? Why not? It reinforces this good behavior—and it adds to the “Yourself” category that’s probably not seeing much activity.

I have 2 Business Tips of the Week to give you. I know I’m going overboard.

Tip #1:

Working women use those computers! Is there a chance down the line that you’ll want to compile a list of completed tasks to show someone else? Or for your own use? In that case, save the file with the date and use the untackled tasks—don’t feel bad if there are some—to start the next day’s list. When you’re assigning the high, medium, or low priority to these reappearing tasks, add the letter to the front of the line. This way you can quickly see if you’re avoiding an item—there’ll be a double or a triple letter there. Ooow, sounds bad. You’re right; it’s not good. My advice is to uncover the problem. Is this something someone else should be handling? Is there an unpleasant side to this task that you need to commit to handling? What will happen if this task is never handled? Hmmm, maybe that’s an incentive.

Tip #2:

Here’s another customization decision you must make:  Do you think it will help you to put approximate times next to some of the items? For example:

• “I’ll do this before 11 am.” – or
• “At 2 pm I’ll drop everything else and I’ll do this task” – or
• “Before I go into the meeting I will do this. And I mean it!”

If so, put this in parentheses after the item. In fact, I list it in blue ink instead of black. Aesthetics, you know are important—almost as important as actions.

Now, go out there and act on your To-Do List. It’s a great stress reliever!

On our website, WomensMedia Expert Advice for Business Women you should read these excellent articles:

Setting Goals:  The 6 P’s of Goal Setting by Susanna Palomares

Self-Talk Your Way to a Stronger Self-Image by Dianne Schilling

Show Me A Woman Who Doesn’t Feel Guilty And I’ll Show You A Man

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

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Erica Jong hit the truth button with her guilt quote above. Of course, it’s probably not 100% true. There must be some men who feel as much guilt as women feel every day. But then, maybe not. That’s a research topic our government should look into.

For the guys who may be reading this, and may be asking, “What kind of things do women find to feel guilty about?” here are a few of the frequent culprits:

• I shouldn’t have eaten that cookie.
• I feel bad leaving Bobby with a babysitter.
• I didn’t make the bed.
• I didn’t have time to put in a load of laundry before work.
• My sales report was only 42 pages this month.
• And there was a typo.
• My in-laws are coming to dinner and I have no idea what I’m going to fix and I’m stuck in a boring management meeting and I’m wishing I would have asked my husband to pick up steaks on his way home and one of those gooey chocolate cakes (now I feel extra guilt for that thought)…

Guys, what do you think? Except for #2 above, I bet you’d say, “It doesn’t matter.”  Thank you guys. You’re right.  Most of the guilt we subject ourselves to can be reduced. We’d be better off. We’d probably even reduce our stress at the same time. And if we reduced stress . . .voila! …we’d lose weight!

So let’s see, just because I love science, and I’m a guilt-ridden woman, I hypothesize that if every time we feel guilty, we consciously reduce the amount of guilt, we will consequently lose an equal amount of weight! Well, I guess we can believe that if we believe some foods are fat-burners, and that the best fat-burner is chocolate.

I think the main reason women feel more guilt than men is because we’ve been taught that women should not be selfish. We should nurture and see to the needs of others. And, if there’s any time left, we can think about doing something selfish. But that’s not exactly true, because if you’re a good girl you should be able to think of something else that needs to be done for others—even if they’re not asking you. Why didn’t we ever question the word “should” as it was fed to us at every turn?

Well, you have your chance now. I’m not suggesting you reply with what the boys would have said, “Why me?  Why now?  Says who?  Make me!” Here’s my tip for the grown up girl.

Tip: The next time you feel guilty, take a quick measure of it and decide to noticeably reduce the amount of guilt you feel. Look around you. Find someone you admire who doesn’t suffer as you do. See, it’s OK. Don’t you feel better? And how about the reduction of stress? That’s good too!

Tip #2: This one is for the working mothers who feel guilty when the nonworking mothers expect them to bake cookies for the children’s classroom. Convince their dad that it’s his turn to bring in the cookies and help in the classroom. I know from experience that it takes a little shoving, but the dads actually enjoy it when they get there and you know the kids get excited about it too. And go ahead and let Dad pickup cookies at the store or bakery. I bet none of the other moms will give him a bad time.

See a related post on WomensMedia,  by Colette Carlson, A Four-Step Formula for Saying “No!”

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

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One Minute of Focus Is A Minute Well Spent

There’s one word I’m not going to use, because I’ll lose most of you at the start. Oh, I guess I have to give you a hint: This is not about meditation. This is about something that Jon Kabat-Zinn, a stress management medical doctor and author, calls mindfulness.

If stress bombards you too long and too hard, you end up in a hospital, and that’s not where you want to be. It turns out that Jon Kabat-Zinn noticed how many patients at his hospital were suffering from stress-related disorders. When he began giving these patients an 8-week course in yoga, meditation, and mindfulness, he saw a remarkable improvement.

Since you probably aren’t stressed enough to be reading this in a hospital, let’s put aside the yoga and meditation and talk only about mindfulness. Mindfulness is paying close attention to what is happening in the present moment. You stop and become aware of your thoughts but you don’t judge them. Let them play out. You’ll start noticing that you run through some of the same old scripts and these scripts are masking things you haven’t noticed or appreciated.

What’s the benefit of stopping your routine, unfocused thinking? Regarding stopping, Jon Kabat-Zinn says, “There is nothing passive about it. And when you decide to go, it’s a different kind of going because you stopped. The stopping actually makes the going more vivid, richer, more textured. It helps keep all the things we worry abut and feel inadequate about in perspective. It gives us guidance.”

In my mind, this is stress reduction in a concentrated form.

This is an activity that can be done at any time. You might be walking, driving, or sitting in an office.

If you ever find yourself sitting in an office and you’re stressed, then my Tip of the Week is for you! If you’re so stressed that one minute is all you have, then my Tip of the Week is a must for you!

Here it is.

Tip:

I’m going to assume that you don’t want to get caught looking as if you’re doing nothing. Of course, it’s just the opposite:  You’re so busy you can’t focus, there doesn’t seem to be enough time for all the things you need to do, and you’re stressed, obviously! Who wouldn’t be?

I want you to decide you’ll allow one minute right now because you deserve it or you need it (if you’re not into indulgence). Clear the clutter off your computer screen and open one memo or letter in the center of the screen. Pick one that doesn’t upset you.

You’re going to stare into either the memo or the clock that’s probably at the bottom of your screen. The clock is my choice. When the time changes, begin to concentrate on your breathing. Pay attention to the air going in, now going out. Do this for a few breaths until you sense that you’re slightly calmer. Now, focus on listening to the sounds around you. Do this without making judgments—you’re merely paying attention. Focus your attention. Watch the clock for the end of the minute. Give yourself a One-Minute Indulgence by doing it right now! Come on, do it.

Wasn’t that the longest minute ever? Don’t you feel a little less stress? There’s one more thing I want you to do. I want you to decide what time of day you need stress reduction the most. Grant yourself a One Minute Stress Reduction Break every day.

Now hurry up and slow down for just one minute! You’ll be glad you did.

See a related post on WomensMedia, by Dianne Schilling, Tips for Beating Stress

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

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Speak Up When You Hear Gender Stereotypes

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

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A report by Catalyst, a New York-based research group, shows that gender-based stereotyping is undermining women’s capacity to lead, holding women back from leadership positions in the workplace. Catalyst’s summation is that both men and women are acting on the stereotypes that women take care, and men take charge.

I know, I know, not me, not you, not her either. But the truth of the matter—the science of the matter—is that this is what’s happening today. You may say, “Well, if it’s me, it must be subconscious.” and that could be true. Here’s what you can do. Now that you’re aware that this is occurring with both women and men, notice (consciously) when this happens, and then shine a light on the situation! Don’t let it continue without everyone involved recognizing what’s happening.

What are the male stereotypes?

Men

strong

ambitious & aggressive

leaders

protect women

probably important

problem-solvers (in men’s opinion)

And what are the female stereotypes, and are they that different?

Women

weak

not ambitious & not aggressive

followers (deferring to men)

nurturing

probably not important

problem-solvers (in women’s opinion)

I bet you’d say there’s a difference between the stereotypes and that this difference could be the criteria for who gets promoted into a leadership position and who doesn’t.

My Tip of the Week will give you a script for shining a spotlight on stereotypes in the workplace. But before I get to that, did you notice that men think men are better problem-solvers and women think women are?

This is an important point. Problem-solving is a quality associated with effective leadership, and a requirement of a successful CEO. This is a quality that must be perceived to move an employee from middle management into upper management, to a directorship, and then to the CEO position. Now if all the people doing the perceiving were female, then women would be overloading the upper ranks and men would have a problem. But as it stands today, 84% of upper management in major corporations—those who are perceiving—are male. What do they see? Through a stereotype lens they see the qualified candidates are male.

Whoa, if you’re a woman, what can you do? I guess I’m giving you 2 tips this week. Right now start an ongoing list of problems you’ve solved. This will become part of your résumé. Next time you’re in a meeting, be poised to be the first to speak up when a problem is mentioned. Feel free to use this script:

“That sounds like a challenging problem. I’d like to research it and come up with at least one solution. I’ll keep all of you posted by email and we can discuss it at a later meeting.”

Now aren’t you eager to get the next problem to solve?

Well, here’s the Tip of the Week I originally intended.

Tip:

When you hear someone acting on a stereotype, don’t let it go. For instance, if someone says, “Linda is not nuturing to her employees.”  You can follow with, “Jim is not nuturing to his employees, but since he’s a man we don’t notice it. We need to set an example here. We need to treat men and women in an unbiased manner.”  And if you can continue in a non-hostile way, add “We can’t assume women take care, and men take charge. Do you agree?”

See a related post on WomensMedia, by Natalie R. Manor, Leadership & Confidence

—Many Women Are Competent, but Lack Confidence

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

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Assertive, Not Aggressive, Works Best For Women

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

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Women know how important communication is—and sometimes just knowing that causes a problem. Let’s say you’re anxious about talking with someone under your supervision. He, or she, is not doing the job as you’d like. You need to point out the problems, but you’re worried about coming on too strong—too aggressive, and you’re worried about the employee’s reaction. In a effort to minimize repercussions, we often add a few sentences here . . . and a few sentences there . . . and pretty soon, the message is lost.

We all realize men can get away with aggressive statements more often than women. We’re sensitive to that “cultural inequity.” We can live with that. We don’t want to be abrasive, but we do want to be assertive and have our message understood and followed—without bloodshed.

The advice is don’t try to soften your statement by getting too wordy. Here’s what you should do. Take a second to think of the main message as if this were a newspaper article: There’s a Problem With the Marketing Report. Start your remarks with that message. Next, you give the 1^st supporting point to your message, then the 2^nd, and if you need more, the 3^rd point.

If you’re the type of woman who wants to start this type of conversation with a pleasant compliment, then the Tip of the Week is a must for you!

Tip:  So, are you the type of woman who wants to start this type of problem conversation with a pleasant compliment? If so, you probably feel comfortable starting with, “I’m happy with the way you do X.”  Then, you plan to go into, “But I have a problem with Y.”

This is the sandwich mode and you have to be careful to judge the audience in advance. There’s a gender divide here. You can use this with most women, and with only those most sensitive men. When you use it with most men, they hear the “happy with you” and then “blah, blah, blah.” Nah, it’s not exactly that bad, but I couldn’t resist! When you get wordy with a man, he’s on alert until he hears “happy” and then he relaxes and may not get the point that this is an important communication about a problem concerning him. If you’ve made the mistake of going to the sandwich mode and see his eyes start to glaze over, you’d better scramble to bring the audience back to the problem.

You’ll need to end the conversation with a reiteration of the problem, what needs to be done to correct it, and when this is to be completed and revisited. And yes, you can then smile, and maybe shake hands.

Now go out there and tailor your authority to your audience!

See a related post by Hilary M. Lips, Women and Leadership: The Delicate Balancing Act

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

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I believe women see power differently from the way men do. Women see power in terms of influence, rather than rank. In agreement is Ann Fudge, former Chairman of Young & Rubicam Brands, one of the world’s leading marketing communications groups. She questions, “Do we need to follow the boys’ scorecard?” She believes her power is based on an openness and ability to connect with people. She strives to use her power to influence others to contribute to the success of the company.

Successful companies today are going into the relationship mode. They’re focused on customer relations, and joint ventures with partners and suppliers. The winner-take-all form of negotiations does not sit well with companies you might want to partner with next year. It’s all about relationships now—and women are comfortable forming relationships.

Janice Gjertsen of Digital City New York handles many contract negotiations with media companies. “I see the same patterns over and over again: Men are oriented toward power, toward making fast decisions in a black-or-white mode. Woman are more skilled at relationships. They see shades of gray and explore issues from different angles. It’s instinctual. Men come to the negotiating table in full battle armor. I don’t do that. I believe it goes against a woman’s nature to be aggressive, rude, or abrupt. I never know how to react to these kinds of women, and neither do men.”

A recent survey by Simmons School of Management showed that 80 percent of high-level women are comfortable with power and what they can accomplish with it. In all, 95 percent described themselves as action and results oriented. 92 percent said they formed critical relationships at work, and 90 percent said they built networks or allies. And for those of you who may be wondering, the survey also showed that women with or without children pursue power at the same rate.

Sara Levinson is the former president of NFL Properties, Inc. (yes, that NFL is the National Football League). She asked her all-male management team if her form of leadership was different from a man’s. They said her emphasis on communication and solicitation of ideas and opinions was distinctly female. And they added that she was a good leader. So, even in the NFL, a female style of leadership can be powerful.

Tip:

Don’t try to copy the boys on this one. You’ll be most effective being true to your nature. If you’re comfortable gathering ideas and looking at different perspectives, this can be your route to power. Don’t think you have to exert firm command-and-control to be a successful leader. There is one caveat here:  Once you’ve gathered ideas and made your decision, let everyone know that the team is now proceeding in this direction.

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

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See a related post on WomensMedia, by Michelle LaBrosse, Negotiate Your Way to Success

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

 When Men Won't Listen : Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

There are a few things that all women seem to notice and all men don’t see at all. Alright, alright, I know I can’t say “all.” But it’s pretty nearly “all” whenever I speak to a large group of men and women and I ask this question: “Raise your hand if you’ve been in a meeting when a woman made a suggestion and no one seemed to notice?” Pretty nearly every woman will raise her hand and sadly nod her head—meaning it was her—and the men will be dumbfounded that this is the situation. Honestly women, we can’t blame men, because they aren’t even aware of this behavior.

Sociologists tell us this behavior begins when boys are 3 to 4 years old and are playing with other boys. They’re focused on competing with boys: Faster-Than-You, Stronger-Than-You, Louder-Than-You! They’re not focused on girls, and what the girls might be saying. Sounds like the alpha-male conditioning sets in pretty early, doesn’t it?

Well, I’m of the belief that in the workplace it doesn’t play out well for you to claim, “ Not fair. Not fair. Make him listen!” You can do that if you don’t mind being labeled The Trouble-Maker Who Should Be Avoided. I believe your best bet is to recognize that this happens frequently and that there are precautions you can take.

Look around your company and notice which men seem sympathetic to the obstacles working women have to dodge. Talk to one or more of them about being careful to notice when a woman’s comment is not noticed. Tell them how much their response will be appreciated. And when they pick up the ball, make sure it doesn’t go unnoticed!

Now, here’s your Tip of the Week.

Tip:

Plan ahead before you go into a meeting. Know what your key point will be. When you’re ready to speak, address your idea to one of the highest-level men in the room—you know that alpha-male thing again. Say, “Jim, I’ve been analyzing the X situation, and can see that we should do Y.” Trust me, when you say his name, you’ll get Jim’s full attention. I call this the Mommy-Caught-Me syndrome. You don’t have to say, “What do you think?” He’ll go ahead and comment. And anyway, if you say, “What do you think?” men interpret this to mean you don’t know if it’s a good idea and consequently, you need his help. Of course, we know that’s not what we mean. But part of successfully playing the game is knowing what others are thinking. It sure is a good thing we have that feminine advantage: Women’s Intuition!

Now, get out there and do the name-calling trick. See how well it works!

See a related article on WomensMedia, by Debra Meyerson, Gender in Business: When Women Are Not Heard

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

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Women Have A Head Start With Win-Win Negotiation

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

 Negotiation for Women: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Most men are on the lookout for any opportunity to negotiate. It’s a game to them—and it should be for women too, because . . . you get more of the stuff you like. Erase the image from your mind that a negotiation is something that only happens when you sit down to draw up a contract or ask for a raise. It happens much more often than that! You might be interested in moving your office or desk, having your boss give one of your tedious tasks to someone else, or having someone other than you take the minutes at those meetings. You have a chance to gain whatever you want, but it takes negotiation. Super negotiators are not born that way. They learn how to negotiate. And so can you.

In their book, The Shadow Negotiation, Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams state that we women “let opportunities to negotiate slip by us unclaimed or unnoticed. Cramped by circumstance, with no magic up our sleeve, we don’t consider negotiation a possibility. We just make do and move on, not realizing that we might have bargained. Often, from lack of training or experience, we fail to recognize that we are in the midst of a negotiation until it is too late to change the outcome.”

There’s Good News and Bad News for women and negotiation. The Bad News is that most of us have been conditioned to “make sure everyone gets along.”  So, we try to avoid conflict. If this is a pattern that you’ve been following, I’m sure you’ve lost out on a lot of things. You need to realize that negotiation does not have to be a win-lose conflict. It can often be a plus for both sides—a win-win situation. While you’re still in your Conflict Avoidance Stance, you don’t look strong at the table. And when you don’t look strong, other people will jump at the chance to undermine your credibility and even your right to have a position in the discussion. In my tip today, I’ll address this issue. You’ll also be helped by taking a few minutes to play my podcast, Powerful Body Language —Women, Change Your Body Language, Change Your Message.

The Good News for women is that we tend to be good at building relationships. And guess what? Your skills of connection are valuable for discovering the other party’s hidden agenda. In any negotiation there are two things going on at the same time. There’s the substance of the problem you’re trying to solve. And there’s a big something under all that—there’s the shadowy interpersonal communication that takes place concerning how each party wants to handle the negotiation and what the talk and gestures convey about relationships and expectations. You know how solving a problem within a family is not just about the logical variables. Yep, you know about that.

I want you to become an expert at drawing out the shadow negotiation. State the problem and how it affects you. Show the other people involved that you value them and their ideas. Your goal is to have both parties look at the situation from different perspectives and work together to come up with a creative solution. As the discussion gets underway, look for the underlying feelings and bring them to the surface. Talk about them. They’re important if you want to solve the problem. It may be that one person feels his or her opinions don’t get enough attention. You need to let others know that these feelings are important to you. It’s possible for those involved to come away from the table with better relationships. And with better relationships, problems are solved faster.

Here’s the tip.

Tip:

At the beginning of a negotiation, establish your I-Belong-At-This-Table position by stating your interests. This must be done in a firm, but not hostile manner. You have a right to advocate for your interests. Silently repeat this mantra: I will not become defensive! There is no reason to become defensive—you have a right to work for your interests. State the current situation, how it affects you, and how it affects the company. Doing this will help you appear strong and with every right to have a place at the table—the negotiation table.

See a related article on WomensMedia, by Dana Bristol-Smith, Presenting for Success: Simple Strategies to Add Confidence and Credibility to Your Next Presentation

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

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See this related article: Listening to Women: New Perspectives on Negotiation —Women Have Powerful Insights In Negotiation by Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams

Women, Change Your Body Language, Change Your Message

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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
Partnering with Forbes: Thirty Women Entrepreneurs To Follow On Twitter

 

 Powerful Body Language: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Do you want to improve the first impression you make? Do you want people to consider you as capable as a man working in the same field? As a woman, you have to pay more attention to the impression you’re making because you have to overcome the initial stereotype that pops up in the other person’s mind when then think, “Oh, it’s a woman.”

In my podcast, I talk about components outside of body language that you must attend to. Pay attention to those and add to your repertoire a good knowledge of body language. It’s an important component of the amount of authority you receive. In fact, it accounts for more than half of what’s learned in a conversation. Don’t you want people to learn that you’re confident, competent, and sincere? If you answered “yes,” then keep reading and I’ll tell you how.

Entering a Room

If you’re walking in with others, try to walk in first. This makes a powerful impression on the people already in the room. If you’re on your own entering a room full of people, walk in the door, stand to the side and quickly survey the room to plan where you’ll go. Perhaps there’s a group of people you could walk over to and meet—in lieu of high-tailing it over to your familiar clan. Or, if you see a group of higher-ups, take this opportunity to walk over and ask them a question related to business. Ewww, is that out of your comfort zone? Here’s how to do it:  Approach the group and stand a little outside of their circle and smile, wait for a lull in the conversation, and I bet someone will say hello.

The Handshake

As a woman, you can’t get away with the advice given to men for a powerful handshake. That’s the one where he puts his hand out palm down and dominates the shake. My advice is for you to be the first one to put your right hand out, thumb facing up. It’s important to be the first because that’s powerful, but more importantly, because men often don’t know if you’ll be okay with a handshake. Let him know you are. Also, face him directly—not at an angle, which looks tentative and unsure. Grip his hand firmly and fully—not any of this fingertip stuff. Smile, look in his eyes, and say something.

Powerful Speaking

If possible, be the first person to talk. As you’re talking, try pausing now and then. It makes the impression that you’re powerful and controlling the conversation. One caveat here:  If there’s a man present who likes to interrupt women, forget the pausing and use the “just a minute” hand gesture in his direction.

Blinking & Nodding

Just saying those 2 words sounds powerless. Try not to blink too often—it signals nervousness. Try not to nod as often as you do with a group of women. We women like to reassure each other that we’re listening, so we nod. Curtain this body language with men. They take it to mean that we’re either in total agreement with their ideas, or we’re weak and doing the frightened doggie Don’t-Attack-Me stance.

Smiling

Here’s the double-edged sword:  People expect women to smile more often than men. When you don’t smile quite enough, you get saddled with the She’s Not Nice label. So go ahead with some smiling but NOT when you disagree with what someone is saying, and NOT when you’re being verbally attacked. Many women have the habit of smiling when they’re uncomfortable—and when you’re ideas are being attacked, you’re uncomfortable. On a related topic from my podcast on Gender Stereotypes, I was asked if I’d advise a woman to frown when she’s on the receiving end of a put-down. My reply was that a firm, stern look goes over better than a Frowning Woman look.

Fidgeting

Imagine if you were videoed for a day at work. Would we see you twirling or fixing your hair, picking at your nails, rubbing your face, fiddling with paperclips, or tapping pens? There are 2 reasons for these actions:  You’re either trying to get rid of all that nervous energy, or you’re reassuring yourself that maybe you’re going to be okay—but you’re not sure. Those are 2 Powerless Messages. Stop it!

Tip:

You can add power by taking control of your body language. You may not be as tall as the men in your workplace, but you can still use positioning to your advantage. Take advantage of opportunities to stand up when others are seated. Occupy your space by putting your arms out on the chair or the table—look bigger and more powerful. When you’re sitting, don’t let your hands or feet dangle, don’t slouch back, but sit up tall and lean forward and look others in the eye. You can do that.  Now get to it!

Also see:  Presenting for Success: Simple Strategies to Add Confidence and Credibility to Your Next Presentation

Be sure to visit WomensMedia to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

See our latest on Forbes