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by Nancy F Clark (Follow me on Twitter & Nancy Clark on Google Plus)
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Most men are on the lookout for any opportunity to negotiate. It’s a game to them—and it should be for women too, because . . . you get more of the stuff you like. Erase the image from your mind that a negotiation is something that only happens when you sit down to draw up a contract or ask for a raise. It happens much more often than that! You might be interested in moving your office or desk, having your boss give one of your tedious tasks to someone else, or having someone other than you take the minutes at those meetings. You have a chance to gain whatever you want, but it takes negotiation. Super negotiators are not born that way. They learn how to negotiate. And so can you.

In their book, The Shadow Negotiation, Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams state that we women “let opportunities to negotiate slip by us unclaimed or unnoticed. Cramped by circumstance, with no magic up our sleeve, we don’t consider negotiation a possibility. We just make do and move on, not realizing that we might have bargained. Often, from lack of training or experience, we fail to recognize that we are in the midst of a negotiation until it is too late to change the outcome.”

There’s Good News and Bad News for women and negotiation. The Bad News is that most of us have been conditioned to “make sure everyone gets along.”  So, we try to avoid conflict. If this is a pattern that you’ve been following, I’m sure you’ve lost out on a lot of things. You need to realize that negotiation does not have to be a win-lose conflict. It can often be a plus for both sides—a win-win situation. While you’re still in your Conflict Avoidance Stance, you don’t look strong at the table. And when you don’t look strong, other people will jump at the chance to undermine your credibility and even your right to have a position in the discussion. In my tip today, I’ll address this issue. You’ll also be helped by taking a few minutes to play my podcast, Powerful Body Language —Women, Change Your Body Language, Change Your Message.

The Good News for women is that we tend to be good at building relationships. And guess what? Your skills of connection are valuable for discovering the other party’s hidden agenda. In any negotiation there are two things going on at the same time. There’s the substance of the problem you’re trying to solve. And there’s a big something under all that—there’s the shadowy interpersonal communication that takes place concerning how each party wants to handle the negotiation and what the talk and gestures convey about relationships and expectations. You know how solving a problem within a family is not just about the logical variables. Yep, you know about that.

I want you to become an expert at drawing out the shadow negotiation. State the problem and how it affects you. Show the other people involved that you value them and their ideas. Your goal is to have both parties look at the situation from different perspectives and work together to come up with a creative solution. As the discussion gets underway, look for the underlying feelings and bring them to the surface. Talk about them. They’re important if you want to solve the problem. It may be that one person feels his or her opinions don’t get enough attention. You need to let others know that these feelings are important to you. It’s possible for those involved to come away from the table with better relationships. And with better relationships, problems are solved faster.

Here’s the tip.

Tip:

At the beginning of a negotiation, establish your I-Belong-At-This-Table position by stating your interests. This must be done in a firm, but not hostile manner. You have a right to advocate for your interests. Silently repeat this mantra: I will not become defensive! There is no reason to become defensive—you have a right to work for your interests. State the current situation, how it affects you, and how it affects the company. Doing this will help you appear strong and with every right to have a place at the table—the negotiation table.

See a related article on WomensMedia, by Dana Bristol-Smith, Presenting for Success: Simple Strategies to Add Confidence and Credibility to Your Next Presentation

Be sure to visit our site, http://www.womensmedia.com/ to get Expert Advice for Business Women.

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See this related article: Listening to Women: New Perspectives on Negotiation —Women Have Powerful Insights In Negotiation by Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams

See our latest on Forbes

Nancy F Clark  (Follow me on Twitter)

You’d probably love it if your boss walked up to you today and said, “I’ve decided to give you a raise, effectively immediately.” Don’t hold your breath. No one wants to spend any more money than they have to. So, you’re going to have to ask for a raise. Here’s my advice on how to do this. First, do your homework on what you should expect in the way of compensation. Be sure to consult Internet salary websites, such as Salary.com or Salary Center on Monster.com.  In the U.S. women are paid 77 cents for every dollar men make.  If you set your sites on what men are paid and expect the same, you probably won’t be disappointed.  Don’t mention gender or need—keep the salary negotiation to what you bring to the business.

Make a list of your special skills and your accomplishments—especially recent ones.  Make an appointment with your boss to “talk about something of importance to you.”

And because I know this is a stressful time for you, I’ve included a script for you to have handy for a salary negotiation where your boss presents an obstacle.  Memorize it. You probably won’t have to recite it verbatim, but it will give you an extra boost of confidence to know you’ve got a script if you need it.

Tip: A Script for Stressful Times

I’m pleased to be working for this company, and I know the company is benefiting by my ___. (List 3 things, for example: client contacts, special project, marketing, etc.) I am looking for a salary of  __ dollars.

Now your boss presents an obstacle. (budget, timing, skills, etc.)

Have your individual X, Y, Z’s figured out ahead of time. Then, rather than dispute the obstacle, say,  “I understand your situation. The number I have in mind is X. The value I bring to the position is Y. And the benefit to the company will be Z.”

It’s up to you to read your boss, and at the same time, be fully confident you are deserving of this raise. If you truly believe you need to back down or accept a little less, set a time (3 mos., 6 mos.) when you can revisit this question about the salary you have in mind.

Further Reading:

See this related article on the WomensMedia site:
Gender Wage Gap: Are you paid as much as a man if he had your job?
by Evelyn Murphy with E.J. Graff

See our latest on Forbes

(Listen to it here.)

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

Here are some of the questions about the gender pay gap that we’ve been receiving at WomensMedia. (N- add the numbers when posting)

If A Woman Chooses Full-Time Employment, Does She Earn The Same As A Man?

Do Women Earn Less Because They Work Less?

If A Woman Earns A College Degree, Does She Earn The Same As A Man With The Same Degree?

If A Woman Negotiates Her Salary, Will She Earn The Same As A Man?

If A Woman Moves Into A Typically Male Occupation, Does She Earn The Same As A Man?

You may be surprised to hear what research has shown.

Listen to Gender Pay Gap Is Real

Listen to The Gender Pay Gap Is Not OK

(Listen to it here.)

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

Do women make less money? They sure do. Let’s gather our facts together here. We’re not even going to consider part-time work—that would make the gender pay gap look even bleaker! Comparing full time working women with full time working men, we find that the women are paid 80 cents for every dollar men are paid even in the same occupations. Are you content with this? Are you going to be a good girl and say, “Thank you for the diminished returns?” Are you going to say, “But what can I do? I need this job. I want them to like me.” Or, are you going to begin making sure this no longer happens to you? I see it as my privilege to tell you two strategies that have worked for women in our WomensMedia network.

(Listen to it here.)

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

Most men are on the lookout for any opportunity to negotiate. It’s a game to them—and it should be for women too, because . . . you get more of the stuff you like. Erase the image from your mind that a negotiation is something that only happens when you sit down to draw up a contract or ask for a raise. It happens much more often than that!

(Listen to it here.)

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

You’d probably love it if your boss walked up to you today and said, “I’ve decided to give you a raise, effectively immediately.” Don’t hold your breath. No one wants to spend any more money than they have to. So, you’re going to have to ask for a raise. Here’s my advice on how to do this.

(Listen to it here.)

Be sure to visit our site, www.WomensMedia.com to get Expert Advice for Working Women.

Women are paid 80 cents for every dollar men are paid and that does NOT include any part-time workers! If it did, it would be even lower. What do you think is going on? Well, I’ll tell you the 4 things that are going on, and 4 things you can do to make sure this doesn’t happen to you.