Have you ever found yourself crying in your boss’s office when you’re attempting to problem-solve, asking for a raise, negotiating workload, or accepting a compliment? You are not alone. Crying is a natural physiological response to feelings that derive from events in our lives. Many women cry easily and unexpectedly. Our socialization includes greater latitude than boys to express emotions through crying. In some ways, this freedom serves us well as grown women. Crying can provide a built-in emotional release valve—a catharsis. Having access to our feelings can allow us to have empathy and understanding when needed, which makes us better friends, family members and co-workers. There is substantial research on “emotional intelligence” saying this ability also makes us better, more effective leaders.

However, the workplace is one of those environments where most tears are viewed as inappropriate and can have negative or detrimental effects on performance reviews, promotions, and executive presence. In other words, tears make us look bad and lead to a personal undermining of our sense of competence and confidence. As Lois Frankel notes in her book, Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, most women know they shouldn’t cry at work, but there are times when you can’t help it.

This said, we can begin to alter the crying response to many situations at work by un-learning, re-learning or strengthening our emotional and behavioral repertoires. Just as anger management workshops assist individuals in learning different and more appropriate responses to feelings of frustration, disappointment and criticism, we can also learn other ways to manage our feelings besides crying in the boss’s office.

Whether you work in a “compassionate” organization, such as health care, or a “competitive” environment, such as finance or information technology, women are often mistaken when thinking that a kind, considerate boss, or a humanistic oriented organizational culture will accept or tolerate tearful outbursts. Women and men in positions of leadership are socialized to believe that crying equals vulnerability, and that vulnerability connotes incompetence, or the inability to handle difficult situations. Right or wrong, these beliefs and attitudes about displays of emotion are slow to change.

We need to make a distinction between our organizational behavior that governs our work and our personal behavior. I was consulting with a large national law firm several years ago, when one of the beloved founding partners was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The west coast office was stricken with sadness and grief when he passed away. Partners and secretaries alike cried openly as they expressed their personal feelings for this individual. No one was judged negatively for doing so.

Another example of personal versus organizational response involved a company significantly impacted by the 1994 Northridge Earthquake. Many employees were displaced or rendered homeless. For some, this event triggered unforeseen earlier fears. Emotions ran high and many tears were shed as the company struggled to get back to work. Management’s response was to contact their employee assistance counselor to offer services on site. The company promoted help-seeking assistance with this extraordinary event. All the while, the accompanying message was that everyone was expected to return to pre-earthquake levels of productivity. A mechanism had been put in place to deal with personal feelings, now they needed to refocus on production deadlines. Even in a catastrophic event like this one, people were expected to contain their emotions while at work.

Coaching Tips for Controlling Tears

1. Anticipate situations when possible. Not all situations that bring tears to our eyes are the same. Some emotionally charged encounters can be anticipated. In these instances it is extremely useful to spend time rehearsing various responses with someone else. Be prepared. Use what you know about the person and situation to construct likely scenarios. And practice. If you can hear yourself responding to what you fear most, you will lessen your anxiety and defuse your fear while developing confidence that you can respond effectively.

2. Increase your self-awareness. Women often cry without really knowing why. We cry when, actually, we are angry. Devote some energy and time to identifying your feelings more accurately. The more able you are to distinguish one feeling from another, the more you will feel able to control tears. You will find yourself less overwhelmed by feelings and thereby less likely to cry.

If, as you examine your feelings, anger is what you are avoiding, work at becoming more assertive, so you more accurately and appropriately express your anger. When you feel that sensation of crying start to build, take a deep breath and immediately ask yourself, "What exactly is angering me? What do I need to do to resolve the situation?" Re-focus on the problem. This can help calm you down.

3. Cultivate a sense of optimism—things generally work out. Women often cry when they feel overwhelmed with work, unrecognized, or anxious and fearful about their performance. If this is you, remember, crying will not make a dent in what is really wrong. Make a list of the actual and perceived issues and problems creating your feelings. Seek out others such as a mentor, outside friend, business coach or networking group. Use them to assist with gaining a broader perspective that includes a healthy dose of optimistic alternatives. Few things in the workplace are life and death issues. Back up and give yourself some perspective.

4. Compartmentalize. If you well up frequently or easily cry at the office, your personal life may be intruding on your business life. Although somewhat artificial, it is important to create and then maintain a boundary between your personal and professional worlds. Being at work can be a great diversion. Think of work as a rest stop from the personal issues. Give yourself permission to focus on something other than your personal life. Away from the office, seek support and help from friends, family, religious leaders, a psychotherapist, family counselor, or the employee assistance program. Don’t forget that it took time for the problem to develop; it will take time to solve.

Compartmentalizing feelings is a good skill to learn. Practice not acting on a feeling you have. Focus instead on the other person. Learn to delay and restrain the sense of urgency to act on feelings. It’s a skill men have developed to a much larger degree than women, and often makes them seem uncaring and unfeeling. However, women can use this skill to time the expression of their feelings—and having control over your feelings provides a wonderful sense of confidence.

Women are sensitive to perceived personal criticism. Even though criticism hurts, again, crying doesn’t make it hurt less, so we need to re-train ourselves. Have in your repertoire a practice that helps you calm down when you need to. A good one to cultivate is mindfulness. By focusing on your breathing and utilizing relaxation techniques, you can slow down reactions, gain control and think more clearly.

A complimentary strategy is focusing on content instead of the criticism, or redirecting your thoughts. For example, comment on how you can get the reports in more quickly rather than on the remark about “You’re too slow.” Or focus on how the negotiations are proceeding, instead of on your boss's question about, “Why haven’t you booked the business?" Finally, you might say to a colleague, “Matt, at the moment I’m not as concerned with your interpretation as I am with this scheduling problem."

5. Acknowledge your feelings or excuse yourself. If you find yourself starting to cry when you don’t want to, say, “As you can see, I feel strongly about this. Let’s focus on how we might get along better through this tough time.” Or, if you’re feeling you can’t gain control—say, “As you can see I feel strongly about this. I’d like to take a time out and talk about it again later. I appreciate your understanding.” Then leave and book another appointment at a later time.

Depending upon what brings you to tears, any one or a combination of these techniques and skills will help you manage your feelings. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you do find yourself crying. You can recoup your reputation as a composed individual by accepting that we are all human and we all can be vulnerable yet competent professionals. The point is that in today’s competitive business environment having as many tools to increase your effectiveness as possible also increases your likelihood of success. As the workplace continues to mature and more courageous women succeed, business will come to realize that individuals can be vulnerable and competent at the same time, but for now, “there is no crying in business.”

About the Authors

Linda M. Poverny, Ph.D., is lead consultant at Poverny & Associates, a Los Angeles-based organizational development firm specializing in improving organizational performance by maximizing human potential. Dr. Poverny is an educator and psychotherapist in private practice for over 25 years. Her specialties include work/family integration, anger management, identity issues, and relationships. Dr. Poverny is a published author and national workshop leader. Visit her website at http://povernyandassociates.com/. Email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Susan Picascia is part of the team at Corporate Coaching International, an executive coaching and leadership development consulting firm. She practices psychotherapy in Studio City, California, where she works with clients on developing the "self" in relationship to work, love, and spirit. Her specialties include professional development, work/life integration, conflict management, families and happiness. She can be reached at 818 752-1787 or at www.CorporateCoachingIntl.com.